The Cam Fam

2 Years

2012-01-07T13:46:00.002-05:00

Dearest Ryan,

2 days old

You turned 2 years old today. As I have said so many times before, it feels like just yesterday that you were born, and yet, I can't imagine life without you. It feels as if you have always been a part of our life. But when I look back and think of the day you were born it is so vivid. I remember seeing you for the first time when they held you above my head, and I remember that first sweet kiss. I remember watching your Daddy proudly hold you. He was a natural, as if he had been holding new born babies all his life, when in reality you were the tiniest person he had ever touched. I remember nervously and excitedly bringing you home. I remember the early sleepless nights when we wondered what we were doing wrong. And I look back now, on all of it, and I know we didn't do anything wrong. We loved you fiercely from the moment you were born, and every minute of it has been so very right. You have blossomed into a beautiful little boy (yes, you truly are a little boy these days. You're not a baby any more) and your Daddy and I are so very, very proud of you. We know you will change as your grow. You will have your less than perfect moments (as you do now at times) but we will always love you. And we will always be proud of you.

As I said in your 18 month letter, you are a kind, gentle (except when wrestling with Daddy or me), sensitive, funny, out-going, fun-loving, smart, and sweet little boy. Right now, one of the things that people most seem to notice about you is your language. You talk up a storm. You speak in complete sentences and you try to repeat everything we say. You excitedly point out trucks as we drive down the road ("Look Mama! Dat an ec-a-vator [excavator]!" Or "Mama! Dat a fire twuck??? I hear it, but I don't see it!") you tell Nee-Nee and Pop-Pop every single time you talk to them on the phone that "I want to go get Iiiiiice ceam!" When Daddy comes home from work you ask him, "How was your day, Daddy?" and then you go on to tell him about your day, "We go to da libary and da sore [store]. It was fun." At night, when you're stalling and don't want to go to sleep right away you will call Daddy or I back into your room just to say, "I love you sooooooo much!" It's cute and manipulative all at the same time. Lately, when someone asks you, "How old are you?" you will usually answer by proudly saying, "I twenty-seven." I have no idea where you got this number from, but you consistently tell anyone who asks that yes, you are indeed 27.

Speaking of numbers, you can count consistently to 16 and sometimes as high as 27! You know all your colors and shapes, all the uppercase letters of the alphabet and most of the lowercase letters. You love trains and trucks, and you know all the different kinds of each: freight train, tender, caboose, engine, cattle car, and excavators, dump trucks, fire trucks, cranes, bulldozers, etc. You're a sponge when it comes to taking in new information. It is amazing to watch you learn every day.

1 year old

You are still a very active little guy and would prefer to spend your time outside more than anywhere else. Though, with winter here, you are adjusting to spending time inside and are lately enjoying playing with trucks, cars, blocks, trains, your ice cream parlor, kitchen set, helicopter, and yes, my Ipad. You figured out how to use it almost immediately and I made the mistake of downloading a few apps for you. You would play with it alllll day long if we let you, but of course we don't. Though, I can credit a neat little game called "Zoo Train" with teaching you your lowercase letters. :) But when you’re not playing with the Ipad, which usually you’re not, you are using your imagination like crazy. I love to hear the conversations you have with yourself while playing. You imagine going to the moon, riding on trucks, and fixing things. Sometimes you do all these things at once. Watching your imagination soar is a joy!

I realized as I went back to read your 18 month letter that I didn't mention sleep, and that really isn't fair considering I spent the first year of your life (and then some) complaining about your poor sleep habits. BUT! I must commend you! You slept through the night for the first time EVER right around 14 months. You went back and forth for a while there, sleeping through sometimes and others not. Well, right around 18 months we decided, ENOUGH! We were going to let you "cry it out" if you woke up. Well, you cried one night for 6 minutes, and you have slept through the night every night since then, expect on the few occasions when you're sick or we're out of town. You fall asleep on your own around 8:30, and typically sleep till 7:00. You nap for about 2 hours every day. We couldn't ask for more! If we knew "crying it out" would be so painless we would have done it MONTHS ago! One of the things that seems to help you go to sleep is that you have finally adopted a “lovey.” Your “little duck” is your must have go to sleep animal, and your “Big Duck” is a close second. We actually have three little ducks: one at home, one at Auntie Cindy’s and Uncle John’s, and one at Nee-Nee and Pop-Pop’s. As long as you have one you’re happy! So, congrats on now being a fabulous sleeper! Your Daddy and I are new people now that we know we too can sleep through the night. THANK YOU!

And Ryan, THANK YOU for so much more! Thank you for bringing immense joy to our lives and to the lives of all the people who love you. You truly are a pleasure to be around. You give life a new and deeper meaning. As I have said before, you have made me a better person. Being your Mama is the best thing I have ever done. And doing it together with your Daddy makes it even more amazing. We have a special little family the three of us. And we hope (fingers crossed) that sometime before you turn 3 that we will be able to announce that you're going to be a big brother. When that day comes, I have no doubt that you will indeed be an amazing big brother! But until then, we will cherish the family of three that we are. For it is indeed a very special family.

2 Years Old and very excited about your birthday party!

Happy 2nd Birthday little Bubba!

Love always and forever,

Mama

Christmas 2012....oh wait I mean 2011

2012-01-05T14:18:00.000-05:00

So, yeah, this post is a bit delayed, and if you follow me on Facebook you have already seen all these pictures. But I need to document our 2011 Christmas (though this is so late in coming that it will probably be closer to 2012 Christmas by the time I actually post it.)

This year Ryan really "got it." He could tell you that Christmas was Jesus' birthday, and that Santa would be coming, and that his reindeer would pull the sleigh. He sang Christmas carols and nearly every night before bed he would ask for a dance session in which we played Jingle Bells (any version would do: Harry Connick Jr, Ella Fitzgerald, the BSO Pops, etc) over and over at least three times. He knew Santa would bring presents and when you asked him what he wanted he would say "Cars and trucks!" The weeks before Christmas were as fun if not more than actual Christmas day. But don't get me wrong, our Christmas day was wonderful, and thus the reason why I must detail every minute of our day (and the night before). Most of this is for my own documentation, so, be forewarned that I know it is a bit boring.

On Christmas Eve we went to mass at 4:30 with my parents at our local parish. We arrived at 3:50 and still barely got a seat. Ryan did really well considering that that we were seated from 3:50 to 5:30. We only had to take him to the lobby of the church once for a short break. When we got home I made Lobster Newburg for the first time. This is a tradition in Matt's family, and one he wanted to start for our own family. It was DELICIOUS and I will be happy to continue this tradition. Matt's family also always included Kentucky Fried Chicken with the Lobster Newburg. I could do without this, though am happy to oblige. But seriously, who needs KFC when you have delicious lobster?????

After dinner we had a Jingle Bell dance party, put out a cookie for Santa (yes, just one. Ryan's exact words were, "Santa need one cookie. I eat rest") and a big carrot for the Reindeer. Ryan looked out the window for Santa and asked, "When he comin' Mama!?"

We read the Night Before Christmas, and then Ryan was off to bed. Matt and I then filled stockings, and put the presents under the tree. I had already wrapped all the presents prior to Christmas Eve. Santa (and Ryan's out of town relatives) were good to Ryan this year!

On Christmas morning, Ryan woke up and was in no hurry to come down stairs. He came and snuggled in our bed for a bit, and then we went downstairs. He was very excited when he saw all the presents under the tree. He said, "dose [translation: those] presents for me???" and he promptly went to town opening them. We got the initial present opening on video and completely forgot to take pictures of this part. Oops! When I get around to editing the video, I may post it here...but that may be a while. His presents included a large set of Haba blocks, books, his first board game (Go Fish, thanks to Heather for the suggestion! He loves and actually plays by the rules) a puzzle, magnatrucks, and a Melissa and Doug mailbox.

My parents then joined us for breakfast, and I made very special Rudolph pancakes. Ryan knew exactly who it was when he saw them. He quickly ate all of the chocolate chips, marshmallows, some of the pancakes, and only ate the strawberry with much prompting. We also had an egg casserole and fruit.

After breakfast Ryan opened a present that my parents brought for him. As simple as this little garbage truck is, I am fairly certain it is his favorite gift.

We made sure to take our annual "Family Picture in front of the tree with our PJs on" and it actually turned out halfway decent. I can't believe how OLD Ryan looks here. Will he really be 2 in just a few days???

Ryan did not cooperate quite as much when we tried to get a picture with my parents....but, oh well. He was a busy, excited little guy!

After breakfast my brother and sister in law came over with my nieces and the kids exchanged gifts. It was a little chaotic, but thus is the nature of three small children opening presents on Christmas morning. Ryan loved his Elmo Legos and Recycling Truck from Auntie Cindy and Uncle John. He also loved Julia's cleaning cart, which we gave her, and was sad when he realized it wasn't his. Caitlin was excited about the microphone she got from my parents and enjoyed getting her rock star groove on. Christmas is magical with lots of little ones around!

After John, Cindy, Caitlin, & Julia left we had the late afternoon to ourselves. Ryan took a nap, and Matt and I watched an episode of Mad Men after cleaning up from the morning. When Ryan woke up it was time to head to my parents house. When we got there Ryan was VERY excited about his stocking. He went right to town opening that but had to wait until everyone else arrived to open his other presents from NeeNee and PopPop, and Auntie Catharine and Uncle Mark.

Eventually everyone arrived, including my cousin Chris, his wife Alissa, and their kids Saoirse & Patrick. We had a great afternoon being together with family and eating a delicious meal made by my mom. The best part of Christmas is definitely being together with family. We sure are lucky to have such an amazing family. Ryan may argue that the best part of Christmas was his train set (from NeeNee and PopPop), his Legos and BC sweatshirt (from Auntie Catharine & Uncle Mark), and his Cars sweatshirt, Mickey Mouse football, and coloring book (from Saoirse & Patrick). Ryan is a very loved little boy and as the years go on, I hope that he too comes to appreciate family time more than anything else.

After dinner, dessert, and adult present opening Ryan took a bath and got into his PJs. We headed home, fully expecting him to fall asleep in the car. But he didn't. He was too excited I guess. He did go to sleep easily though once we were home. When he woke up the next morning he came down stairs and said, "Santa bring presents again?" We had to explain that no, that would not happen for another year. He seemed fine with that.

Of all the wonderful gifts we recieved this year, the best gift will always be our happy, healthy, kind little boy.

We had a great day! I can't wait for next year! MERRY CHRISTMAS!

(If you made it all the way to the end you deserve a medal!)

Its the Most Wonderful Time of the Year

2011-12-15T21:15:00.002-05:00

I absolutely love Christmas time. I always have. But now that we have a toddler who is beginning to really "get it" it is even more exciting, fun, and meaningful. We've done a lot of preparing around here for the Holidays. Enjoy a few pictures of what we have been up to!

We made Hot Chocolate for the first time, prior to decorating our tree.

Ryan LOVED his "Hot Candy" as he called it.

Ryan loved hanging ornaments. And every night as soon as it is even slightly dark he runs over to the tree and says, "Mama! I turn on da Kissmas twee!"

Ryan met Santa Claus for the first time and we got a very successful first picture with Santa. (Last year's I don't really count because "Santa" was my cousin Paul, who is skinny and young, and muscular, and looked nothing like Santa!)

Ryan and I made Pretzel/Rolo/Pecan Delights together. It was the first baked good we have made together.
He was most helpful in taking all the wrappers off the Rolos. Also, he preferred Bunny Crackers on top!:)

This has so far been a wonderful Christmas season. We can't wait for the big day! I hope you're having a wonderful Holiday Season, too!

Parenting Dilemma: To Say Something or Not

2011-12-06T13:28:00.000-05:00

As most of you know, I spend the majority of my working time as a "Nanny" to my two adorable Nieces. Part of this role involves dropping off and picking up my oldest niece, Caitlin at preschool. Each morning and afternoon when I do this I spend about 5 minutes waiting outside with Ryan and Julia. They play, the dig in the dirt, pick up leaves, etc. There are other siblings of the preschoolers there as well. There is one little girl who has a reputation as a bit of a trouble maker. Her grandmother is with her waiting for her brother to either go into or come out of school. On numerous occasions this little girl has treated Ryan poorly, and I am wondering what the best way is to deal with the situation.

Side note: As with all 2ish-year-old children we are currently in the process of teaching Ryan how to share and be considerate of his peers. This is not something that comes naturally to a 2 year old, and Ryan is no exception. Though, fortunately (or not) he seems to save his worst behavior and complete refusal to share for his little cousin Julia, when we are home. So far I have not been in the position of having to discipline him in public, though I am sure the day will come.

So, this is what played out outside of preschool: Ryan was playing with a leaf, happily brushing it back and forth along a fence. Said little girl, we will call her Sally, came up to Ryan and grabbed the leaf from his hand while yelling, "MINE!" Ryan looked at the little girl sadly and then looked up at me.

In the few seconds I had before I reacted I thought the following things:

I don't want to embarrass this little girl's grandma.
If I expect Ryan to learn to share and be sensitive, I cannot have a double standard and expect him to just "deal" when other kids don't share with him or treat him insensitively.
This is a great opportunity to help teach Ryan empathy.
If I react too strongly I will look like "that mom."

So, I gently said to the little girl, "No Sally, that is Ryan's leaf. You need to give it back to him." She did not, and then her grandma intervened. She took the leaf from Sally's hand and a complete meltdown ensued on Sally's part. I then took the opportunity to quietly say to Ryan, "That made you sad when Sally took your leaf, didn't it? (He said yes). That is why we don't take things from people. We don't want to make them sad. Sally needs to share with you and be nice, just like you need to share with Julia. Right?" I know Ryan is still young, and much of this may have gone over his head. But, these are the "teachable moments" that as parents we must jump on.

And yet, I still feel bad that I made a big deal out of leaf. I think if Sally's Mom was there, instead of her Grandma I wouldn't feel so bad. Sally's mom is more responsible for her behavior than her Grandma is. But I wonder, should I have just picked up another leaf, given it to Ryan, and moved on? My gut tells me no. If I had done that I wouldn't have been teaching Ryan or Sally anything about the correct way to treat their peers.

Ahhhh, parenting is filled with one challenge after another. I know that these "how to address situations with Ryan's peers" questions will only get more challenging as he grows older. This is just the beginning!

Have you been faced with a similar situation? How did you react?

System Failure

2011-12-04T21:28:00.001-05:00

She was not yet 22. She was dying of Pancreatic Cancer. She had a 2 year old. She had been hospitalized at a local hospital for over a month. She came to our inpatient hospice late on a Thursday. I met her early on a Friday. She was ashen and thin, yet bloated around her abdomen from the growth of so many tumors. I didn't expect her to live more than a week. But I figured we had a little time.

I called the Social Worker from the hospital that referred her to us. I wanted to get a sense of what kind of legacy building they had done with this young mom. What efforts had they put forth to help this mom leave behind a legacy for her young daughter who would have no memory of her Mommy. I asked, "Did you help her to write letters? Or make a video?" Her response, "Oh, we don't do that that kind of thing." Oh, I thought. You don't do that kind of thing? Then, what is it you do?

I called this young woman's father to get to know her family. He had been at our facility late the night before when she was admitted. He wasn't planning to come in until around 5:30 when I would already be gone for the day. We had a wonderful chat. We talked about his daughter. What she liked to do, who she was, what she was like. I asked if they had any video of her. He said, "No. I don't think anyone we know has ever owned a video camera." I asked if he thought his daughter might be interested in making a video for her own daughter. I wanted to make sure she wouldn't be upset by the idea, given that it was so late and she hadn't yet done it. He said she would love the idea and I should definitely ask her about it.

So, I did. She immediately lit up. She loved the idea. But she wanted to "look good!" She wanted to wait until tomorrow when she would have everything she needed to "do it right." Her cousin (who was also her best friend) was visiting with her when we talked. She started to assign tasks to her cousin: Bring my favorite jeans. And I want a wig; My mom will know the one I like. Bring my make up, especially lots of eye shadow. Get me a purple shirt...Her cousin had a better idea, "I'll make you a shirt with a picture of you and N (her daughter)." She loved that idea. We had a plan. Her best friend was thrilled to have "something to do." I called her dad back and he too was thrilled to be able to be a part of this. He was going to make sure her daughter would be here in the early afternoon so that her mom would be most alert. Her dad said, "That's her best time of day."

I went home that night confident that I was going to help this woman die well. That her daughter would be able to "see" her mom when she was older. That she would hear her voice.

The next morning she wasn't coherent. She was no longer speaking. She died later that night. The video was never made.

The system failed her. No one made this important task of legacy building a priority when she was still healthy enough to do it. She was kept in a hospital for too long before the idea of hospice was ever brought up. The system failed her little girl. She will never again hear her Mommy's voice. That is unacceptable. We must change the system.

(Names have been excluded and identifying details have been changed so as to protect confidentiality).

Thankful....

2011-11-24T09:00:00.006-05:00

Seeing as we are out of town I don't really have time to write as much as I would like. But, this post, written last year on Thanksgiving sums things up pretty well: THANKFUL! I figure I can easily reuse an old post since back when I wrote this post no one really knew I existed. So, to most of you, this will be a brand new post! But in all seriousness, I truly am so very thankful for all of the wonderful people in my life. I am a very, very lucky woman!

Happy Thanksgiving! Thanks for reading!

All About His Daddy

2011-11-15T17:54:00.000-05:00

From the moment Ryan was born Matt has proudly and exceptionally taken on the role of Daddy. He is a truly amazing Daddy. He gives hugs and kisses with reckless abandon. He plays trucks better than anyone. He is stern when he needs to be but always gentle. He reads books with enthusiasm. He is a great tickle fight and wrestling opponent. And he loves his little boy more than I think he knew was possible.

Ryan has always loved his Daddy, but recently he has been particularly enamored with this man whom he looks up to (both literally and figuratively!). He wants to do whatever his Daddy is doing and he just loves playing with him. There have been a few incidents recently that demonstrate just how much Ryan loves his Daddy.

Most mornings during the week Ryan wakes up after Matt has gone to work. When I go in to get Ryan he says, "Hi Mama! What Daddy doin'?" I explain that Daddy is at work. To which Ryan replies (as this has been explained to him in the past) "Dada be home when we eat dinnah??" And I assure Ryan that yup, Dada will be home at dinner time! Ryan is very aware of when Daddy is home and when he's not and he anxiously awaits his return. And when he is not with his Daddy, he thinks about him and what he is doing.

Case in point: The other day when I was making Ryan's lunch he was riding on his toy car as he often does. He eventually drove up next to me, pulled at my pant leg, and said, "Mama, I go to work. Be back soon!" And off he went....

Ryan has always been an affectionate little boy, and lately he just showers his Daddy with love when he comes home in the evening. He grabs him around the neck and gives hugs. He runs up to him, hugs his legs and says, "Gotcha, Dada!" And last night, he did one of the cutest things he has ever done. Matt was holding Ryan as they were making a smoothie (something they do together most nights). All of sudden, Ryan held Matt's head in both of his hands, turned Matt's face towards him, and kissed him gently on the nose. It was so sweet, and such a spontaneous display of love.

Ryan certainly couldn't look up to anyone better. Ryan and Daddy mutually adore each other and I hope it stays that way for a very looooooooooooooooong time!

Halloween Recap

2011-11-02T07:09:00.001-04:00

Our Halloween Festivities began on Sunday afternoon when Ryan carved his first pumpkin. Well, let me rephrase. Ryan helped clean out all the gook from the inside of the pumpkin, and then I carved it.

I carved Elmo, expecting Ryan to be VERY excited. He LOVES Elmo. And well, he was unimpressed. He definitely knew it was Elmo, but he didn't care. Oh well. I had fun carving it!

On Monday morning we drove my niece to Preschool and watched her parade. Ryan was VERY excited when he saw Mickey Mouse. He saw him before I did and said, "Mama! Mama! Look! Mickey Mouse!" I guess we don't have to take him to Disney World anymore.

And then, on Monday evening just after dinner the real festivities began. We got Ryan in his Koala Bear costume, and he promptly began trying to take it off.

I distracted him with candy to try and snap a few pictures, and that worked for about 10 seconds.

But then he immediately went back to trying to at least get the hat off.

We got him outside to start the Trick or Treating process as quickly as we could. And as long as he was engaged, he was fine and tolerated the costume. He was especially distracted when the adorable twins that live across the street (whom Ryan seems to have a toddler crush on) came over to say hello!

But if given more than a few seconds to think, he would immediately start saying, "Take it off!" We went to a few houses in our neighborhood, and then drove over to my brother and sister-in-laws house so that Ryan could Trick-or-Treat with his cousins.Once we got there he was completely distracted and tolerated the costume with no problem. Well, bribery with lollipops certainly didn't hurt. That boy would give his right arm for a lollipop! (Side note: He knows that he gets a lollipop when he goes to Hair Cuttery to get a hair cut. So, when we go out he will often ask, "Mama? Go get haircut? Get lollipop?" He is too funny!)

You can see Ryan here with his cousin Caitlin. She wanted to be a flip-flop, so I made her costume. She looked so cute. And yes, a few people did actually know what she was!

My niece Julia wasn't anything. Well, if people asked her Mom said she was an Eskimo. But Julia was afraid of every single costume that was brought within a 5 foot radius of her. (She was fine if the costume was on someone else. But if it was clear that the intent was for her to put the costume on, she was having none of it!). So, we had a Koala, a Flip Flop, and a Julia.

Matt, Ryan, my brother John, Sister in law Cindy, Caitlin, Julia, and I had a blast trick or treating. Ryan caught on quickly to the concept and when asked to "say it loudly so people can hear you" he would yell "Trickotreat" as if it was one word. He would then (usually) follow it up with a quick "tank you!" The only thing that would have made the evening more enjoyable for Ryan is if less people were sitting outside their houses with the candy. Ryan LOVES to knock on doors and ring doorbells. And most of the people in my brother's neighborhood were outside just waiting for the kids to come by. So, there were very few doors to knock or bells to ring. But he still had a blast!

Desperately trying to knock on any door he could find....garage doors included! :)

It was a great night!

I am already excited for next year! Though, I have a feeling that next year Ryan will have more of an opinion about what he is going to be. And that will make me just a little bit sad....he is indeed growing up too fast!

Happy Halloween!

Snippets.....

2011-10-25T13:18:00.000-04:00

Ryan's language (both expressive and receptive) continues to develop at lightning speed, and thus, the words and phrases he says have grown more and more complex and "adult-like." Sometimes he makes me stop in my tracks and laugh or in many cases try hard not to laugh. Other times he makes my heart melt. Thus, there have been many snippets lately that I just don't want to forget, and that will be forever remembered here. Apologies in advance if these little snippets aren't particularly entertaining to the "rest" of you. They are however, treasures for me.

The other day I was putting Ryan into his car seat, and out of the blue he said to me, "I love you, Mama!" (Yup, he used "I" correctly, something he frequently confuses. As in, when he wants me to pick him up he says, "Mama, hold you, pease!" instead of "Mama, hold me, please." These are the things that will make me sad when he does finally say them correctly. But, back to the "I love you" moment.) I responded and said, "I love you too, Buddy!" He paused for a second, and then said, "I love Daddy, too!" He thinks about and asks for his Daddy frequently throughout the day. He loves him to pieces. Of course a text message with the details of this exchange was quickly sent off to Matt. And Matt's heart ached for his little boy even more than normal for the rest of his work day.

Last night I was giving Ryan his bath. He takes great pleasure in blowing bubbles in the tub, and he was vigorously doing so last night. After he finished he said, "Mama, you blow bubbles!?" And I said, "Buddy, I don't think Mama can get her head down there to blow bubbles." (We don't fill the tub with too much water). Ryan looked at me and said, "Mama can try!!!!" And, try, and succeed I did. Sometimes I wonder if there is anything I won't do for that boy.

Ryan is currently having a love affair with Ice Cream, Farms, and Dunkin' Donuts, and he will make his wishes known. (Disclaimer: Yes, we treat Ryan to Ice Cream and a donut on occasion, but he does not have them as often as he would make it seem!) My parents watch Ryan every Friday. On Thursdays I tell him that "You'll get to spend the day with Nee-Nee and Pop Pop tomorrow!" Previously he would respond by saying, "See Nee-nee, Pop Pop todaaaaaay???" And I would say, "No, tomorrow. After you go to sleep tonight." Well, now he responds by developing plans of what he and Nee-Nee and Pop Pop will do. Recently he said, "Get yeh-yeh (yellow) ice ceam with Nee-Nee! Go Faaaaam (yes, sometimes he sounds like he's from Boston) with Pop Pop!" This boy dreams big! Well this past Friday, my parents did take Ryan to the Farm (they did not get ice cream...they had done that the week before). Ryan had a blast. He fed the goats and chickens, he played in the Nursery Rhyme section of the fields, he watched the ponies. When I came home my Mom said, "Tell Mommy what we did today." Ryan said, "We go Dunkin' Donuts!" ...Only in your dreams, Buddy, only in your dreams.

If you made it this far, thanks for reading! Feel free to leave a comment so I know you're checking out my blog. I am more likely to put more "reader friendly" content and less "all Ryan all the time" if I know I actually have readers :)

What about the Tigon Mom?

2011-10-22T12:59:00.003-04:00

Recently Emily Rapp wrote a beautiful piece in the New York Times called, "Notes from a Dragon Mom." (You can find it here). In it she talks about the heartbreaking and yet immensely love filled experience of parenting her son Ronan who was born with Tay-Sachs disease. A disease for which there is no cure, and which nearly guarantees a slow deterioration resulting in eventual death by the age of the three.

Ms. Rapp calls herself a "Dragon Mom," distinguishing herself from the much publicized and talked about "Tiger Moms" that stem from Amy Chua's book, "Battle Hymn of the Tiger Mother" in which she outlines a prescription for raising a highly competitive and successful child. Ms. Rapp explains that because her son will not have a future in which he will go to college, get a job, and be an upstanding adult that she is freed from the pressure of setting limits and worrying about every decision she makes and whether or not it will affect Ronan’s ability to get into Harvard. In Ms. Rapp's words, "He can watch television if he wants to; he can have pudding and cheesecake for every meal. We are a very permissive household. We do our best for our kid, feed him fresh food, brush his teeth, make sure he’s clean and warm and well rested and ... healthy? Well, no. The only task here is to love, and we tell him we love him, not caring that he doesn’t understand the words."

The entire time I read this moving and powerful article, and for many days since, I have been unable to stop thinking about the many parents I know who are neither Tiger moms nor Dragon moms. Rather, they are the mothers to children who have a life-limiting illness with no clear life expectancy. They parent very sick kids, who have had numerous surgeries, dozens of hospitalizations, and more pokes and prods than anyone should have in a lifetime, much less a life of a few years. These children could live to be 2 years, 10 years, 20 years, or 80 years. No one knows.

And so, these parents are stuck in the awful place of feeling the need to set limits and create high expectations so that, if they do live a long life (as every parent prays their child will) they will be upstanding and responsible citizens. Yet, they always have in the back of their mind that they do not know how much time they have with their child, and thus, they want to give in to their wants and allow them to experience joy and happiness above all else, because they may not be here tomorrow, in a year, in 10 years. These moms are not Tiger Moms. They are not Dragon Moms. They are Tigon moms. And they, like Ms. Rapp, are an inspiration to all mothers and fathers. The Tigon moms (and dads) who effectively find this balance between limit setting and living life to the fullest every day, so as to never (or at least rarely) look back with regret show us all how to be better parents. Tigon parents have clearer, and yes, I would go so far as to say better, priorities than some of us parents who are not faced every day with our child’s mortality. We can learn so much from them. There are many "Tigon" moms who I know personally, all of whom have made me a better mom. Some of them may read this blog. Others will not. But they all deserve to know what a difference they have made in the lives of those who know them. So, to Christy, Sandy, Sara, Kim, Leighann, Sarah, Yolanda, Mercedes, Amy, Dina, Candy, Kelly, Kisha, Zuleyma, Beverly, Leticia, and so many others, THANK YOU!

Mommy Competition

2011-10-17T14:38:00.000-04:00

A Facebook friend of mine recently posted an update that said, "Good Lord! 18 month olds are exhausting!"

And these were the responses, which I have copied exactly:

Person 1: Wait 'til she turns 3. Just sayin'....

Person 2: ha! I was going to say wait until they are 2.5! LOL

Person 3: hahahaha.... try two of them, of the male variety.

Person 4: they never stop being exhausting.... 4 years and almost 7... I am exhausted, thank goodness for school! lol

Person 5: It never ends mama. If you are a mom, you are exhausted. LOL

Person 6: All the exploring is fun :) just wait till she's 6 and has an opinion about *everything*. I get a break when he's at school, but good grief, weekends are rough. By Sunday, 2pm, I'm ready for a shot. Rofl!

I read these responses and I thought, "What the *&%$?" This is not the first time I have been turned off by the responses of mothers to each other.

Why as Moms do we not support each other when such comments are made? Instead of saying, "Oh just wait till...." (Which does nothing except invalidate the experience of the person who isn't yet at that stage with their child) why don't we say, "Yes, it’s very hard! But it will get better! I promise!" Because as the mom of a 21 month old, I can say that Ryan is easier right now than he was 3 months ago. Sure every kid is different. But for the most part, the hardest parts of parenting come in waves, and it does get better, if even for a brief period of time.

It seems like as Moms we always have to compete with each other over "who has it worse" which is a terrible thing, given that being a mom is probably the best thing most of us will ever do! It is hard, it is exhausting, and there are days all of us just wish we could take off completely, but we can't. But it is an amazing experience indeed that most of us would not trade for anything. So, why do we feel a need to point out the hard parts all the time? I mean, people even do it to pregnant moms. They say things like, "Oh, you just wait!" This is so NOT helpful!

And yet, immediately after a baby is born, when it is REALLY, REALLY hard, and overwhelming, and exhausting, when we want to hear that we are not the only mom that has thought, "Put him back in!" the only things we hear are comments like, "Enjoy every moment?" and "Isn't it amazing?" and "It goes by so fast." And it is in this life-altering, exhausted state when we do actually want to hear that everyone finds it difficult and challenging to make the switch form a happily married couple without kids to a hopefully will stay happily married couple with a crying, screaming, eating, bundle of "joy."

It seems that as moms we never give each other what we really need. When we need someone to commiserate with us, instead we are told to "enjoy every moment" and when we want to be bolstered up and given hope we are told, "You just wait until...."

I am from here on out making it a goal of mine to be helpful to my fellow Moms out there and to give you what you want to hear. So, if you need commiserating or bolstering, you let me know!

Summer Fun Recap (in photos)

2011-10-17T14:20:00.001-04:00

(I started writing this post WEEKS ago, and Blogger has been a pain in terms of uploading the pictures I want to upload. I have tried 4 or 5 times and some just consistently have errors. So, there are some key pictures missing here. But I figure I better get this posted before I have to post a recap of our Fall
outings!)

_ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _

September 20, 2011

As I've mentioned in previous posts, this past summer (yes, it is almost officially past!) was filled with lots of fun outings. While I don't fully have time to detail them all, I don't want them to be forgotten. So, here they are documented through pictures:

We went to Clark's Elioak Farm. And it was here that you first fell in love with goats! You also had your first Pony Ride and sat on a Tractor with Pop-pop.

You had a blast playing with your water table throughout the summer:

And you ate your first Freeze Pop. You LOVED it!

We went to the Catonsville 4th of July Parade:

We spent the day at Dutch Wonderland with our friends Neal, Christa, Josh, & Tyler:

You especially lovedthe water park. You would have stayed there all day if we had let you!

More fun with the hose and water table:

We went to Ocean City with Uncle John, Aunt Cindy, Uncle Mark, Auntie Catharine, Caitlin, & Julia. We had so much fun!

We went to your first baseball game: A Bowie Baysox game. You were less than interested in the game. You just wanted to play the games and bounce in the moon bounce (which you did ALL BY YOURSELF, despite Mommy's nervousness.) You did great!

And we also went to the Howard County Fair. But those pictures won't load for some reason. You LOVED looking at all the animals and going down the "BIIIIIIG slide!" You also had your first funnel cake, which you thoroughly enjoyed. Mommy loves this special treat too, and I have a feeling we will be sharing one each year at the Fair. I can't wait!

We had an amazing summer! And soon, I will be posting a "Fall Festivities" Recap. Fall is my favorite time of year and it has not disappointed this year!

Snippets.....

2011-09-20T14:37:00.000-04:00

Ryan is at such a fun age right now. He talks up a storm; he is starting to use "pretend play" more and more. He is more and more affectionate. And yet, with all these milestones comes increased frustration (on his part, and consequently on mine) when he doesn't get to do exactly what he wants to do. As a result he has learned what a "Time Out" is and he sits in one about once a day or every other day for minor infractions. But mostly, he is just a blast to be around. There have been so many little snippets of time lately that I have thought to myself "I need to blog about that!" And I have generally been really bad about blogging lately. So, I will try to capture as many of those snippets as I can here in this post.

About 2 weeks ago Matt and I were in the car with Ryan. Matt was driving. Ryan was keeping busy in the back seat listening to his favorite Barenaked Ladies CD (if you weren't aware that BNL makes kids CDs you should DEFINITELY check them out!). Matt started to change lanes and in my opinion he was very close to the car in front of him. I said, "Matt! Watch out!" to which Matt responded, "It's fine, Kristen! I see the car!" We weren't mad...just stressed :) Well, then Ryan added his two cents. He said, "Mama! Dada see car! Deesus!" Yes, apparently Matt and I take the Lord's name in vain a little too often and Ryan has picked up on it. OOPS!

Ryan has always been a lovable kid. Since he was very small he would give hugs spontaneously. And now, he is learning to verbalize his affection. Night time is one of my favorite times with Ryan. We read two books and then we rock in the rocking chair to two songs. During this time Ryan often chatters away about his day. He counts ("1, 2, 7, 8 9, 10, 11!!"), he says his ABCs ("a, beeeeee, ceeee, double, x, y zeeeeee!"), and he shares memories from outings in the weeks past, "Mama! No cows in da big barn!" "That's right, Ryan. When we went to the farm three weeks ago there were no cows in the big barn."). Well, the other night he melted my heart. He had been chattering, and then he quieted down. He nestled his head into my neck and said the three most beautiful words I have ever heard. "Love you, Mama." I love you too buddy. With every ounce of my being.

This next snippet probably isn't going to be all the funny to anyone except me and my husband. But that's OK. It’s still something I want to remember. From the time Ryan was about 3 months old his favorite book was "Hello, Baby!" by Mem Fox. Anytime Matt would read this book to Ryan he would say it was by "Red Fox." You know, the actor from Sanford and Son? Well, then it became habit, and every book Matt read to Ryan he would say, "by Red Fox." Recently, we were in a bookstore and I wanted to look up the "How Do Dinosaurs...." series but I couldn't remember the author because all I could think of was "Red Fox." So, I convinced Matt to start reading the correct authors. So, now for example, we may read, "Big Dog, Little Dog. by P.D. Eastman." And without fail, after Matt or I say the correct author Ryan chimes in with, "and Wed Fox!" And then he giggles. He has quite the sense of humor that little boy!

I know there are so many more little snippets like this, but alas, I can't think of any right now. I guess that just means I'll have to post again soon. I also need to do a "Photo Montage" of all the fun things we did this summer. It was a great summer, filled with lots of fun outings. But I am very glad Fall seems to have made its entrance. I love autumn and all the fun that goes along with it! I can't wait to take Ryan to the Pumpkin Festival in October! That will indeed be fodder for more snippets!

Grateful...

2011-08-20T13:20:00.001-04:00

There are so many things that I have been meaning to post about lately, a trip to the beach, fun summer outings, etc. And I will get to them. But today, something happened that I must post about now.

While I have been working at a pediatric Hospice for over a year now, we just opened to accepting patients a few weeks ago. So, my direct patient contact has been limited since Ryan was born. That changed today.

Today I danced to Michael Jackson with a little boy dying of Neuroblastoma. A little boy not much older than my son, and who in my arms, with his head resting on my shoulder felt about the same weight as Ryan. If t weren't for his bony little elbows, his knobby knees (chemo has destroyed his appetite), and his rich, beautiful brown skin it could have been Ryan. Fortunately for this little guy the location of his tumor has not yet affected his ability to walk, play, run, dance, and smile. He doesn't know he is dying, but everyone around him does. In that moment, swaying to "Beat it" (his sister chose the music, and she has good taste!) with this lovable little boy that I had just met I felt my eyes welling with tears. I am so grateful that my baby boy is healthy. And I hope and pray that he, and any subsequent children we have will stay that way far into old age. At the same time I again found myself in awe of the Moms and Dads who parent these special children and somehow find the strength and courage to get up every day and face what the world has put before them.

So, to my little Michael Jackson dancing buddy and his family (and all the other children and families I have had the chance to work with in this special work I do): thank you for letting me enter into your home, your life, your world. Thank you for giving me a little more perspective on how much I should appreciate and be thankful for every moment I have with my little family.

Surprise!!!

2011-07-25T21:45:00.000-04:00

Yes, that (see title) was the word I heard as I came home yesterday afternoon after having brunch with my mom. At first I was a little confused given that my birthday was nearly 2 months ago. But, I figured that given that I turned the Big 3-0 that that was the reason for the "SURPRISE" Party that my amazing Husband threw for me. It was indeed. I had a great time! The pictures tell the story.....

Thank you, Matt! I love you!

18 Months

2011-07-07T20:31:00.000-04:00

Dearest Ryan,

Today you turn 18 months old and I find this nearly impossible to believe. I can still vividly remember the moment you were born...looking at you being held above my head as the doctor pulled you out of my belly. I saw you, and said, "It's a boy!" You were and are a beautiful little boy who has so seamlessly become such an integral part of my and your Dada's life. We are so lucky to have you. And in that moment, 18 months ago, I became a better person because of you.

(Sorry to those who are squeamish!)

So much has changed about you since I last wrote one of these letters (when you had just turned one year old). Its hard to know where to begin...

In the past 6 months it has been such a joy watching your personality develop. You are an out-going, joyful, empathetic, silly, and energetic little boy. You still say hello to almost anyone. You screech with delight when you simply hear mention of your favorite things, such as, Dada, trucks (yes, you still love trucks), dogs (which you want to lick in return when you meet one), cats, ice cream (i-ceeeeaaam!!!! YOU LOVE IT!), Nana (or, as you say, "Nee-Nee"), Pop-pop, Caitlin ("Cay-Cay"), Julia (Ju-ju), drums, Elmo, Cookie Monster (really, all the Sesame Street characters), Clifford (your stuffed dog), slides, going for walks, your stroller, and the park.....oh there are so many things and people you love!

As I said, you are also an empathetic and caring little boy. And this makes me so proud! You care about other people. You get a concerned look on your face when you can tell someone you love is hurt or upset. You give hugs freely, and you are just starting to learn to say "Love you!" Its not very clear yet, but you're getting there.

And yes, you're silly and energetic. You laugh with reckless abandon and you repeat any behavior that gets a laugh out of someone else. You love to wrestle with Dada, and if you could, you would spend your life outside, climbing, playing in the water, going down slides, running, and digging in the dirt. In so many ways you truly are such a boy.

Watching your physical development over the past few months has also been astonishing. You now love to climb on things, and this is rather scary for me. You try to climb EVERYTHING: beds, chairs, your crib (fortunately so far you only try to climb into the crib, and as far as we know have not yet attempted out), the stools at Auntie Cindy, and Uncle John's, the equipment at the playground, etc. Pretty much if there is a way to climb something, you'll climb it. This is one of the few developments in which I do not take much pleasure!!

Another joy has been watching the relationships you share with other people develop. You absolutely adore your Nee-Nee and Pop-pop. Just the other day I asked you, "What should we do for fun today, Ryan?" and you said, "See Nee-Nee, Pop-Pop!" They make you smile wider than anyone else, and I love seeing you with them. You also love your cousins Caitlin and Julia. In the morning, you know that we go to their house, so as soon as I say, "Let's go!" you say, "Cay-cay! Ju-ju!!" And you are just soooo very excited. You love your Auntie Cindy ("Aun Sin") and your Uncle John ("Uh Don") and your Auntie Catharine and Uncle Mark so much. If I could bottle the joy and love you exude when you are with the people you love I am fairly certain we could cure depression and bring about world peace.

I hope you feel the love you give coming back to you 100 fold. Ryan, you are a beautiful little boy and I am so proud of you! You make me a very happy Mama, and I don't want you to EVER forget how very much you are loved. You have been loved from the moment you were born, and you will continue to be loved every day for the rest of your life.

Happy 18th Month Birthday, baby boy!

Love always,

~Mama

The best decision I ever made

2011-07-02T22:07:00.011-04:00

6 years ago today I made the best decision I have ever made. I said "I do" to the most amazing man I have ever met. That day, and every day since I have considered myself the luckiest woman on the face of the earth to be so blessed to have such a wonderful husband. He is not only my husband, but my best friend, a true partner, and a wonderful father. Together, we have created (and continue to create) a wonderful life together. Its not a perfect life (is any?) but knowing I will always have him by my side, supporting me, cheering me on, loving me, backing me up, pushing me forward, and hugging me makes for a life that is truly as good as it gets. I am thankful every day for his presence in my life.

Matt, thank you for loving me with such passion and devotion. You are, and always will be, the love of my life. Happy 6th wedding anniversary!

Happy Father's Day!

2011-06-19T14:08:00.000-04:00

There are so many things I have to say on the occasion of Father's Day. But today, just a few words will have to suffice. I am trying to learn the art of brevity, something I am generally not known for!

I am blessed with an amazing Father of my own as well as a Husband who is a stand-out Dad in his own right. I wouldn't be me without them, and Ryan wouldn't be him without them either! Thank you Dad and Matt for being the wonderful men and fathers that you are. You set a standard for what being a "Dad" really means and I know very few men who can meet that standard. I love you both more than you will EVER know!

Moon

2011-06-13T21:56:00.000-04:00

Dearest Ryan,

I haven't written you a letter since your first birthday. This isn't going to be one of my typical letters (one of those will come when you turn 18 months, which is only a month away and I CANNOT believe it!) But tonight, something really adorable and special happened and I don't want to forget it.

You LOVE the moon. We read Goodnight Moon nearly every night (though some nights you opt for "Curious George's Goodnight Book" instead, and that is no where near as special!) and you have noticed the moon in the sky since you were very small. Since you are usually in bed before the moon is out, it is on those rare occasions when the moon can be seen during the day or early in the evening that you see it, point to it, and say with great excitement, "MOOOOOOOON!!!" It's really quite adorable.

Well, tonight you saw the moon and you said, "Touch?" and I said, "I think it's too far away, Buddy. I don't think you can touch it, but you can try." You said, "Yeeeeahhhh! TOUCH!" And off you went to try and touch the moon. You marched up the sidewalk with great determination until you got to a point where the house across the way blocked your view. You then turned to me and said, "Uh oh! Moooooon????" You turned around and started to walk back towards our house, but turned back around to check one more time on your beloved moon. You had walked far enough towards our house that you could see the moon again, and you immediately turned around, and off you headed, again, to touch it.

This scene repeated itself 3 or 4 times until you finally looked at me and Daddy and said, "Mooooon? Touch??" with your head tilted to the side. Daddy said, "Its really far away, you can't touch it, can you?" And you looked sad, and headed back home. But not without looking back again to see the moon. You saw it, pointed, and said, as if it was your first time seeing it tonight, "MOOOOOOOOONNN!!!!"

Ryan, I hope you always reach for the moon. You may not touch it (though, let's be honest, you might one day with the way space travel is developing!) but never, ever stop trying. I hope you always remain determined, and enthusiastic, and utterly delighted at the most simple things in this world. You are such a joyful boy, and I hope you stay that way for a VERY LONG TIME!

Love always,

Mama

Reflections on 30

2011-06-07T21:15:00.000-04:00

Last Wednesday (June 1st) I turned 30 years old. I had a wonderful birthday with Matt and Ryan. But other than a few jokes from extended family members and friends about "getting old" it truly was just another birthday. But, it did cause me to pause and reflect a bit on life. I found myself feeling very fortunate.

I have an amazing family. My husband is my best friend, my true partner, and the man with whom I know (without a doubt) I am supposed to spend my life. I have a beautiful, happy, healthy little boy who is the light of my life. My parents are amazing. My brothers are two of my best friends, as are my Sisters-in-law. I have wonderful friends and extended family members. All of these people make my life rich, and full, and meaningful.

I have also been fortunate to have found a career about which I am passionate. I love what I do. Seeing as being a mom is my current priority, I don't do it as much as I used to, but when I am at work (every Friday) I am very, very happy. I am so lucky to have found my "calling" so early in life. I began working on my MSW when I was 21 years old (a Junior in college) and I have never looked back. I know with certainty, that other than being a mom and a wife, I was put on this earth to be a Pediatric Medical Social Worker: to be a support to some very special children and their families. I know how lucky I am.

This isn't to say that my life has always been perfect. Recently some people very close to me have had some major medical scares. Fortunately they are doing well now. But even in those horrible, scary moments I was lucky to have the family, friends, and colleagues that I have to support me and my family.

Looking back on the past 30 years I am an extremely grateful woman. As a younger woman I never set forth on a particular prescription for what I would do/be/have by the time I was 30. But if I had, I have a feeling it would have looked a lot like the life I am living now.

Here's to the next 30, 60, and however many more, years ahead: May they be as wonderful as the last 30.

Humility.....

2011-05-15T08:30:00.000-04:00

Yes, its true. Before I had a child of mine own I would often find myself passing judgement on parents whose children didn't sleep well. Yes, I would think things like, "When we have a baby I'm going to do X so that my baby will sleep!" or "I won't have a 12 month old who doesn't sleep!" I didn't say these things out loud, but I definitely thought them.

And then, then I had Ryan. And while Ryan is many amazing and wonderful things, and awesome sleeper he is not! But early on, even before it became painfully obvious that he was a challenging sleeper (the boy didn't truly sleep through the night until he was 14 months old!) I realized a few key things. Namely, some parents are lucky and they are given the gift of a naturally awesome sleeper. Other parents, well, they're not so lucky and their kids are not and may never be great sleepers. Ryan seems to fall somewhere in the middle as he is now a pretty consistent and solid sleeper (unless he is sick, as he is now). But regardless of how Ryan sleeps I can say that I will never again pass judgement on a parent for how their child sleeps and I feel that I learned this very early on in my parenting experience. Giving birth to a not so great sleeper is a humbling experience indeed!

Recently, someone in my life had a child. We'll call the person Maggie and the child Bob. Well, Maggie has not yet learned the quality of humility. She is one of "the lucky ones" as Bob seems to have come out a good sleeper. At least he is so far (he's only 3 months old!). And let me tell you, Maggie will be sure to tell me that Bob is a GREAT sleeper and Ryan is not. THIS DRIVES ME UP A WALL! Can we all agree that at barely 3 months we can say a few things: 1) Bob could easily change his sleeping patterns and become a crappy sleeper. 2) At such a young age it is highly likely that Bob's propensity for sleep does not have a darn thing to do with anything that Maggie or her husband have done or not done, and that rather, Bob just likes to sleep.

Until Maggie made it a point to openly berate Ryan's sleeping pattern and applaud Bob's I can say that I was happy for her that she has a "sleeper." Now, yes, I am spiteful. I hope he stops sleeping through the night very soon and never does it again until he's 2. Am I wrong? ;)

You know your "baby" is growing up when....

2011-05-06T13:03:00.000-04:00

Yes, indeed. We've had quite a few clear signs around here lately that Ryan is growing up...and fast. But one of the clearest just happened this week.

Ryan will often follow me to the bathroom. He likes to shut the door with me on the inside and him on the outside. Until recently when he would do this he would laugh at first but then start to cry until I opened it again. Well, this has changed. Now, he shuts the door with gusto which is quickly followed by the pitter patter of his little feet running away. He is no longer thinking, "Where did Mommy go? I want Mommy!" No, now he is thinking, "Yes! Now I can get into all the things Mommy won't let me get into! YAY!"

The everyday....

2011-05-01T18:24:00.001-04:00

Before becoming a parent I often imagined all the special times I would share with my child and my husband, and extended family. I dreamed about the fun outings (the fair, the zoo, the aquarium, etc), the family vacations, and special Holidays/Birthdays. I thought about how exciting and fufilling it would be to do and experience these things with my son or daughter. And all these things have been wonderful. But a very unexpected surprise has been how wonderful, meaningful and fufilling everyday simple family time has been and continues to be.

Some of my favorite moments as a Mom have been weekend days when we don't really do much of anything. Days like today. I got to sleep in because my wonderful husband takes Ryan out AND does the grocery shopping every Sunday morning. When I woke up and came downstairs I enjoyed my Dunkin Donuts coffee that my husband brought home for me. Then we went for a run as a family (Ryan in the jogging stroller) and stopped by the swings on the way home. Soon after that Ryan went down for a nap and Matt and I both got some work done. When Ryan woke up from his nap we all ate lunch and then went out to run errands together. Before coming home we stopped at a local lake and fed the ducks. We picked up some fresh fish at the local Fish Market, came home and ate dinner as a family. After dinner we read books, and played with blocks and trucks, and made a "cake" in Ryan's play kitchen. It was a day filled with simple every day pleasures. Being together, getting things done, and enjoying a few special moments on the swings and with the ducks. It was filled with laughter and hugs, tickle fights, and kisses. It was relaxing and busy all at the same time. When I think about growing our family these are the days that excite me....spending time with the people I love most in the entire world and just experiencing life together....everyday.

I'm back in the saddle again!

2011-04-23T13:03:00.000-04:00

Wow!!! If there was an award given out for "Least Consistent Blogger" I would win it! I don't have any good excuse about why I haven't posted in sooooo long. Sure, I'm busy, life is busy, but...every mom who blogs is busy, and most are probably busier than I am. So, that's certainly no excuse. One excuse could be that when I do have free time I have been spending too much time on Facebook (I swear logging into Facebook is like entering a time warp...except you come out time has passed at an exponential pace as opposed to having stopped) but that certainly is a pathetic excuse! So, regardless of the excuse, I am now publicly committing to blogging more regularly. Considering I have posted not at all in the past 3 1/2 months I don't think doing it more regularly should be too hard. I've gotta start somewhere!

So, a legitimate post will be coming soon! But in the meantime, here are a few recent pictures of my little man (taken with my new, DSLR Camera!). Enjoy!

P.S. I know I am writing this as if there are tons of people out there who have been waiting with baited breath for my next post. Don't worry. I don't live under any allusions. I know this is not the case!

Happy First Birthday Baby Boy! (Part 2)

2011-01-07T17:05:00.013-05:00

(Note: I started writing this on your birthday, but it took me a while to finish. Sorry it wasn’t published on your actual birthday!)

My Dear Ryan,

Today you turn 1 year old. I sit here typing, as you are taking a nap and I find it difficult to imagine that a year ago at this time you were only a few hours old and Daddy and I were just getting to know you. There are so many things I have to tell you about this past year and about what I want for you in life. I'm going to begin by sharing a letter I wrote to you before you were even born.

January 3, 2010

My Dearest Baby,

You are officially 4 days late today. You were due on December 30, 2009. The excitement and anticipation that Daddy and I have for your arrival is nearly unbearable. We have spent the past 9 months preparing every possible detail of our lives to welcome you. We are ready and waiting and excited to welcome you with more love, joy, hope, hugs, kisses, and snuggles than perhaps any child has ever been welcomed before.

Daddy and I have been married for 4 and a half years, and in those years (and the 5 years we dated before that) we have built a very special relationship. It is a relationship built on trust, immense love, respect, devotion, and teamwork. It is a relationship of which we are very proud. Daddy and I are so very much in love. About a year and a half ago we decided that our relationship was so rich and so strong, that it was ready to welcome a child. You are the result! We cannot wait to welcome you into our lives. We have so much love to give… So much to share with you…So much to teach you… So much we can’t wait to do with you. We may be biased, but we clearly think you are a lucky baby as you are about to be born into a very special family.

When you’re born, Daddy and I can’t wait to snuggle you and hold you close. We have spent 9 months feeling your every move, reading to you at night (Daddy did it almost every single night!), feeling the pointy bumps of your hands, feet, knees, and elbows, and laughing at your frequent hiccups. We have connected by touch, but not in the way we long for. We want to smell your sweet baby smell, and let you wrap your little hand around our finger, and hold you close so you fall asleep on our chests (just like I do on Daddy’s chest sometimes). We want to rock you, and comfort you, and care for you. We want to give you a place where you always feel safe and protected.

We want to teach you all that life has to offer. You will learn much about life as you grow up. Some you will learn from us, but you will also learn in school, from life experiences, from friends, and from other family members. The lessons that Daddy and I most want to impart to you are the basics: love, confidence, kindness, and compassion.

Love: Daddy and I will always love you. NO MATTER WHAT! In your life you will stumble and fall. You will make mistakes, and you will have regrets. No matter how bad the fall, how big the mistake, or how intense the regret, we will always be there to support you, to love you, and to help you get back up on your feet, to overcome, to excel. Nothing you will ever do will ever lessen our love for you. The love we have for you is already so intense and great, and you’re not even born yet! We know our love will only grow deeper and more intense with every day we share with you. We can’t wait to feel this level of love and to share it with you.

Confidence: We want you to always believe in yourself. We don’t fully know you yet, but we know where you come from. We know that you will always have love and support and people to back you up (not just us, but Nana, Pop-pop, Uncle Mark, Auntie Catharine, Uncle John, Aunt Cindy, and many other people who love you). And with those things and those people you never have to doubt yourself. We hope to instill in you many strong values and we want you to believe strongly in and defend these values throughout your life. We want you to feel like you can stand up to people who ridicule you or others. We want you to know that it is ok to say what you believe, even if the majority of people don’t agree with you. We are confident that you will grow into an amazing, wonderful person, and we want you to be confident in the same thing.

Kindness & Compassion: Simply put, we want you to treat the people you encounter in life with kindness and compassion. We hope to teach you this by example. We hope that by watching us, you will learn what it means to go through life as a kind, compassionate, caring, thoughtful, and selfless person. There will certainly be times when Daddy and I may make mistakes; when we won’t show the best example. But in those times, we also hope to show you the power of forgiveness: asking for it and giving it.

There are many things we hope to share with you and teach you in your life. I can’t think of them all now! How does a Mommy put into one letter everything that she wants for her child? The things I hope for you are endless. However, if I can give you nothing but what is listed above then you will have the tools you need to go far in life.

We also have dreams of what we will do with you. Initially we just can’t wait to snuggle you and love you. To enjoy the everyday baby moments that come with a newborn. As you get older we look forward to helping you explore the world around you: going to museums, farms, carnivals, concerts, and much more. As you grow even more we may travel the world with you. We look forward to sharing with you our loves and passions: music, sports, animals, plays, food, culture, and much more. What endless possibilities await us and you!

Dearest Baby, the world is about to open up to you. It will be a privilege to be your Mommy. I cannot wait to watch you grow up and develop into an amazing person. It will be a wonderful journey and I cannot wait for it to begin! Hopefully we won’t be waiting too much longer.

With more love than you can ever imagine,

Mommy

That letter still holds true today. I was right that the immense love I had for you then, before you were born, and before we even knew if you were a boy or a girl, cannot compare to the love I feel for you now. My mom, your Nana once told me, "I don't think we ever fully understand how intense love can be until we have children of our own." And she's right. I didn't know my heart could feel love in the way it does for you. Just thinking about it brings tears to my eyes. I love you so very much Ryan and I am so proud to be your Mommy.

I have had a difficult time writing this post as there is so much I want to tell you and say and I am not quite sure how to organize it and get it all right.

But next, let me do what I have done in each of your previous "letters" and tell you about all the ways in which you have grown and changed in the past month.

You continue to grow and developing by leaps and bounds every day, though, seeing as you are soooo busy moving (running actually!) around, you actually have started to thin out a bit. You are no longer the chunky little guy that you were and you're now becoming long and lean like you daddy. You look more like a little boy and less like a baby. As I said, you're BUSY! You play with toys (you have lots of AWESOME new ones!) but continue to be far more interested in the dish washer, the microwave, the refrigerator, and the washer & dryer. This is a bit frustrating, as we can't play with appliances all day long, and this is what you would prefer to do. This results in much frustration and insistence on your part, but fortunately, you are usually easily redirected.

When you aren't playing with appliances you can be found looking at books (you LOVE books more and more now and will sit with a pile of them and flip through them yourself. "Freight Train" and "Dog" seem to be your favorites these days), playing with balls and trucks or puzzles, looking out the window and pointing out "Cah!!!" (cars) and "Cucks!" (trucks). You love to watch the garbage men (yes, you are your father's son). You also love to watch Sesame Street Music Videos on YouTube. Jason Mraz's and Will I Am's songs are your favorites. You're so hip ;) You can often be found dancing as well.

You seem to learn a new word every day and will try to say pretty much anything I ask you to. The words you use most often are Hi! Bye-Bye, cat, Hot! (You point to Dunkin Donut cups and say "HOT!" I guess I drink a lot of DD coffee!), Pop! (to any sound that sounds like a "pop" and when reading the Very Hungry Caterpillar), Sock (because you are always taking them off in the car and we are putting them back on), and the word I am most proud of you for using, which you just started doing is "Help!" This is something I have been working on with you. Instead of screeching when you need help with something I have been encouraging you to say, "Help!" and now you do it! In fact, the other day you said, "Help! Stuck!" when my purse strap was stuck around your foot. It sounded more like "Hep! Suck!" But I knew what you were saying! I was so proud of you! I find your language development fascinating and so much fun to watch.

While you’re ahead of the curve in a lot of areas, there is one area in which you leave much to be desired, and that’s sleep! You are 1 year old and you have yet to sleep through the night even once! Yes, you read that correctly. For one solid year, your mommy, who used to fall sleep within minutes of her head hitting the pillow and not wake again until her blaring alarm in the morning, has gotten up at least once EVERY SINGLE NIGHT for the last year. Can we make a deal that you’ll work on improving that? Okay? Thanks!

On a positive note, your personality continues to blossom. You are still a super-friendly, happy, and determined little boy who says hi to everyone you meet. You can be stubborn at times. You do really well with new and different environments and you are willing to try new things. This was most evident this past weekend your cousin Caitlin's 4th birthday party which was at "Rolly Pollies" a kids gymnastic center. You jumped right in (literally!) jumping, rolling, and running around. The new environment, tons of people, and loud music didn't faze you in the least. It was so much fun to watch.

For your 1^st Birthday we had a small get together with close family here at our house. It was Elmo themed as you love Elmo (and Grover too, but they don't sell cake molds in the shape of Grover.) When you woke up from your nap you found the house decorated with Elmo (complete with a homemade Elmo cake that I made!) and you were so excited. Soon people started arriving and you really seemed to get that all this fuss was for you. You were all smiles. You loved looking at you Elmo Cake, but you could have cared less about eating it. I think you licked your finger once and otherwise just wanted me to wipe off the frosting from your hands. This was a little disappointing as we have none of the quintessential first birthday pictures with cake all over your face. Oh well! Other than that, the party was a blast. You were so glad you got to celebrate with so many of the people who love you so much. Even your Great Aunt Mo and cousin Kathleen came down from Massachusetts for the party!

That pretty much captures a lot of what has been going on with you lately. Although, like I said, you grow and change and learn new things every day, so it is difficult to describe you at any given moment.

To end this very long 1^st Birthday Letter I want to tell you what it has been like to be your Mommy thus far.

As some of the posts in this blog will attest to, the earliest weeks of your life were challenging! They were filled with much love and joy, and yet it was really hard to adjust to caring for this tiny little person who needed everything. And while being a Mommy will always have its challenging moments, I want you to know that this past year has confirmed for me what I always knew: I was put on this earth to be a Mommy. Not only that, but I was put on this earth to be your mommy! I have never before felt so fulfilled in what I do. Being your Mommy is the best thing I have EVER done and I am so grateful for you every single day. You make my life more full of joy and laughter than it ever was before. You have allowed me to see a new and different side of your Daddy and this has made me fall in love with him more than I was before (which was a WHOOOLE LOT!!). You have deepened the wonderful relationships I already had with your Nana and Pop-Pop and Uncle John, Auntie Cindy, Uncle Mark, and Auntie Catharine. You have taught me to let loose and worry less (yes, I actually am proud to say that having you in my life makes me worry less…well, about everything except you!). This isn’t to say that being a mommy isn’t still difficult at times, but the joy and love far-out shine the frustrating, and challenging moments. Ryan, you have enriched my life in ways I can’t put into words. You have made me a better person. You have brought new meaning to the words love, family, selflessness, and devotion.

I love you Ryan…more than you will ever know! I am so proud of the little boy you already are and the boy you are becoming!

Happy 1^st Birthday!

Love always,

~Mama

(I used to sign these letters from “Mommy.” But you call me Mama, so, that’s what we’re going with J)

Happy First Birthday Baby Boy! (Part 1)

2011-01-07T07:00:00.001-05:00

More to come later...but for now, these pictures will have to suffice:

Merry Christmas Baby Boy!

2010-12-25T21:34:00.042-05:00

Ryan,

Today you celebrated your very first Christmas. And while you certainly didn't "get" every detail of it, there were certainly a few priceless moments.

Our day started with just the three of us: You, me, and Daddy. After you woke up (at 6:30) we snuggled in our big bed for a little bit and then we brought you downstairs (in your new Christmas PJs of course!). You got very excited when you saw a big pile of presents sitting in the middle of the floor. You immediately walked over to the pile and started picking up the presents and rearranging them. You carried them, put them down, stacked them up, and just enjoyed playing with them. Little did you know that they contained some pretty exciting things!

Trying to spin like the race cars!

You were very excited about the present opening for the first few presents but that whole process quickly lost is excitement. However, you obliged us, and would tear off just enough paper so we could feel content that you had actually opened the present and not us. You got most excited when you opened the "Lil' Speedster Racetrack." You were rather frustrated with how long it took mommy to get it out of the box for you! Once it was out you quickly caught on to the whole concept and not only put your cars on the spinning speedway, but also cups, balls, animals, and at one point you sat in it yourself. You were clearly hoping that you would get to spin around just like the cars!

You also were excited about your laptop (from Gandma and Grandpa, who got to see you open it on Skype) and the bright colorful balls that were in your stocking.

After you had opened most of your presents you heard a knock on the door and got very excited again. It was Nana and Pop-Pop who came over to have breakfast with us. You didn't want to take your usual morning 9:00 nap so you sat and ate with us and actually did a great job! You sat so nicely and for a long time so all 5 of us really enjoyed breakfast.

Nana and Pop-pop left after we ate and then you finally took a nap. After your lunch we headed over to Nana and Pop-pop's house where you got MORE presents and we had a wonderful dinner. You LOVED the "Anywhere Chair" that Uncle Mark & Auntie Catharine got you. You climbed right in and sat down with such a proud little smirk. It was pretty cute! You also really liked the wind-up caterpillar that Nana and Pop-pop put in your stocking and the singing/saxophone playing Reindeer that Auntie Mo got you. Sometimes its the simple things that make you most excited! In addition to all the presents you got you enjoyed playing with the GIANT box that your chair came in. Auntie Catharine had wrapped it with a huge bow and you and Caitlin played so nicely in it. You guys sure do have fun together (when you're not touching her stuff! ;)!

Daddy and I actually got to enjoy most of Nana's delicious dinner because you were napping. Though, your nap was pretty short and you woke up after only about 40 minutes. But that was OK, it's Christmas and you were so very excited! You probably heard all the people downstairs and wanted to join in the fun. You are a social little guy, after all.

We put you in your PJs at Nana's house and we headed home at around 8:30. It was a great day! You are now fast asleep upstairs and Daddy and I are EXHAUSTED! We are heading to bed too. We love you very much and hope you enjoyed your 1st Christmas! We can't wait to celebrate many, many more Christmases with you!

Love,

Mommy

11 Months

2010-12-07T15:34:00.028-05:00

Dear Ryan,

Today you turned 11 months old. I still can't believe how quickly each of the past 11 months have gone by. And yet, as I have said before, I feel like you have been a part of our lives for so much longer than 11 months. You just fit in so perfectly.

While you are still learning new things every day it seems, I think the biggest change in the past month has been the development of your little personality. More and more we are seeing a little boy with his own thoughts, wishes, and desires shine through. You are determined and certainly have a mind of your own. You can't say much, but you find a way to communicate what it is you want. Just the other day you and I were playing in the family room. We were stacking cups, reading books, playing with the xylophone. I thought we were having a good time. But suddenly, you got up, brought me your shoes, and then walked to the door and banged on it. You were clearly telling me that you wanted to get out of the house. So, we did. We went to get coffee (well, Mommy got coffee, you just enjoyed being your usual social little self with the people in Caribou Coffee). Once you know what you want, you do everything you can to make it happen!

Concentrating on trying to stack the cups. You've almost got it!

Because you have strong wishes and desires but lack the vocabulary to communicate them, you do at times get VERY frustrated. Recently Daddy and I watched you have a complete meltdown while standing in front of the laundry basket. You started crying huge crocodile tears and were banging the side of the basket. It took me a few minutes, but then I realized that you wanted to be pushed around in the basket (something we do with you often). So, I plopped you in, and the tears ceased immediately. There are also a LOT of things that you want to do more than anything else, that you're just not allowed to do, such as going downstairs to the laundry room by yourself (see picture below), eating Mommy's cell phone, playing on the laptop, etc. You want to be such a big boy, but, you're not and you find this to be the greatest injustice in all the world. Oh, the terrible twos should be fun with you!

Getting sooooo mad because you can't get downstairs to the laundry room!

Rejoicing as you made it to Daddy's laptop before anyone noticed!

But with all of your frustration, you also continue to be a happy, lovable little guy! You are becoming a very affectionate little boy. When I hold you I instinctively pat your back gently. Now, you do the same thing to me. You are becoming more and more of a snuggle bug and especially love to cuddle when you're sleepy. You used to need to be rocked (with me standing up) in order to settle down at night. But now, you just snuggle on mommy's chest while I sit in the glider. It is definitely my favorite part of the day.

Ryan, you are such a joyful (most of the time) little boy and I love you so much! You give new meaning to the word LOVE.

I can't wait to watch your little personality grow and develop over the days, months, years ahead. It is going to be a very special journey indeed!

Happy 11th Month Birthday!

Love always and forever (no matter what!),

~Mommy

Happy Thanksgiving

2010-11-25T11:04:00.003-05:00

This Thanksgiving, my first as a Mom, I am especially conscious of all the blessings I have in my life and I am especially thankful. There are many things in life for which I am thankful: good health, a sound financial situation that allows us to have a safe home, and good food to eat, my friends, my skills as a Social Worker, etc. But there is nothing for which I am more thankful than my wonderful family. I am thankful for each and every one of them:

For Mom & Dad who have always given of themselves so fully and freely to their children. It is because of them that I am the person, Mother, Wife, Sister, Daughter, Friend, and Social Worker that I am. I truly have the greatest parents on earth and I am so very grateful!

For my Brothers:

John, who I have watched become a father, battle cancer, graduate from law school, and become a father again all in such a short amount of time and with such grace, good humor, love and determination. He is an inspiration! I have also watched him become an Uncle for the first time. And it is so touching to watch the way in which he adores my son.

Mark, who more than anyone I know, has his priorities straight. While he is a hard worker, and a dedicated lawyer, he is above all else a wonderful husband, son, brother, and uncle. He puts the people in his life first and he loves each and every one of them in a gentle, kind, and selfless way. I am so lucky to be one of the people he loves so fully.

For my Sisters (in-law):

Cindy, who has been a part of our family for so long that I can’t really remember a time when she wasn’t. But this is not just because of the amount of time Cindy has been in our family, it is because of who she is. Cindy gives of herself so fully to the people she loves, often at the expense of herself . She has endless energy and enthusiasm for the people in her life and I am blessed to be one of those people.

Catharine, who has become an integral part of our family in such a short time. There are few people in life that I truly consider “kindred spirits” and Catharine is one of those people. She is giving of her time and her love. She has a gentle, sensitive, caring and energetic way in which she shows her love to me, to my husband, and to Ryan. We are all so lucky to have her in our life!

For my adorable nieces:

Caitlin, who fills my days with tremendous imagination, joy, and love. It is only with her that all in one day I can travel to Paris, New York, Curacao, and India. I love her tight hugs and her joyful, infectious laugh! Caitlin is kind and sensitive and truly cares about other people! She makes me proud to be her aunt!

Julia, who smiles wider and with more enthusiasm than any little girl I know. Her deep, dark, beautiful eyes speak volumes about the little girl she is and will become. I can already see her enthusiasm, kindness, and spunk shining through in just the short 6 months I have known her. She makes my heart melt every time she gives me that big, wide, mouth-breathing smile when she sees me!

For Ryan, my beautiful son! He is the embodiment of joy and love. He lives life with reckless abandon and it is a pleasure watching him grow up and an honor to be his mother. I am so proud of the kind, gentle (most of the time), energetic, fun, and out-going little boy he is becoming. He brings joy and happiness to my life in ways I never understood until he was born. My heart is swollen with love and life because of him.

And last, but certainly not least, for my wonderful husband Matt, who on a daily basis has the greatest impact on my life. Although at times I feel that I take him for granted, I hope he knows how much I love him and how special I think he is. Truly, I don’t know a single woman in the world with a more dedicated, loving, selfless, helpful, husband. He puts Ryan and me first in everything that he does. He works so hard for our family (both at the office and at home) and I can’t imagine my life without him. This is our 11th Thanksgiving together as a couple. And this year, more than ever, the year in which I have watched him blossom into an AMAZING father, while continuing to be a caring husband, I am so, so very grateful that I chose to spend my life with this wonderful man.

Happy Thanksgiving!!

Eating...or the lack there of....

2010-11-23T10:22:00.000-05:00

Ryan used to eat anything and everything with great excitement and motivation. There wasn't a baby food I offered him that he didn't willing scarf down. But, alas, no more.

My adorable 10 month old son is apparently on a hunger strike. He nurses just fine. But when it comes to sitting down and eating, he will do just about everything except eat. He will mush the food between his fingers (I offer him LOTS of finger food choices at every meal) he will drop it on the floor, he will put it on his head occasionally, he will offer it to me or his Daddy, but he will NOT eat, except when he is distracted and we can sneak food into his mouth.

I know my son is not going to starve to death. I know he will eventually eat (I don't know many grown men who still only drink breast milk!) but in the meantime it is very STRESSFUL! I want him to be a good eater. I don't want him to be a picky eater, so I refuse to offer him sweet and/or more appealing items. He gets lots of fruits, veggies, lean meats, and whole grains. I don't expect him to even know that things like french fries, chicken fingers, or hot dogs exist until he is MUCH older. I do NOT WANT A PICKY EATER!! I have nightmares (not really) about battles over food on a daily basis as our little baby grows older. Please tell me he will out-grow this, sooner rather than later. Please tell me he will learn to eat healthy food without daily battles.

And in the meantime, if you have any suggestions about how to work through this, please let me know!

10 Months

2010-11-07T18:29:00.000-05:00

Dear Ryan,

Today you turned 10 months old! You have now been out of my belly longer than you were in it. The past month has certainly been an exciting one! You have learned to do so many new things! It seems you learn something new every day! Here are a few of the high lights:

You are eating pretty much anything and everything these days. You much prefer to feed yourself than to have Mommy or Daddy feed you with a spoon. You still eat baby food, but you prefer actual "finger foods" like pasta, bread, cut up strawberries, avocado, pears, chicken, apples, bananas. You love Mommy's homemade vegetable soup (you only eat the vegetable part, not the soup part) and you even tried a few tiny pieces of a PB&J sandwich as the pediatrician said you could have Peanut Butter! (The new AAP recommendation says not to wait too long!)

You are obsessed with light switches and LOVE to turn them on and off watching the light as it flashes. You love opening and closing drawers and doors and are particularly intrigued by the dishwasher and the kitchen cabinets.

You say "Hi" to nearly EVERYONE you meet and get so much attention for this when we take you to the grocery store. These days, you and Daddy do the grocery shopping together early on Sunday mornings while Daddy lets me sleep in. This is your special time with Daddy and you both seem to love it! (Mommy loves the extra sleep too!) You also wave and say "Bye-Bye." You also continue to say "Dada" and "Mama" though you say "Dada!!!" much more often. Although, I was at a conference the past two days and Daddy told me you said "Mama" a lot while I was gone. That's not fair! I want to hear you say it when I am with you! Just today you seem to now be able to say "sock" which is an odd word for a little guy to be able to say. But you are CONSTANTLY taking your socks off, so we say that word to you a lot.

You have learned to give "High 5s" and you can point to my nose, eyes, mouth and belly button when asked "Where is Mommy's ______?" Most times when you point to my nose you think it is so funny to stick your finger in my nose. You giggle, giggle, giggle when you do this...but it HURTS!

You love balls and you can throw a ball if it is small enough for you to get your little hand around. You also love books. You especially love books that have flaps you can open and close. It is so much fun to cuddle on the floor, the couch, or the rocker in your bedroom to read books. We read "Goodnight Moon" every night and you can point to the moon and the red balloon when Daddy or I ask you to.

And perhaps the biggest news of all is that YOU CAN WALK! You took your first steps (5 in row) on October 18th and you get better and better every day. You are still a bit unsteady at times and can definitely move more quickly and easily by crawling, but you regularly take off on your own two feet and head towards whatever it is you want. You can even stand up without having to pull up on anything. We bought you your first pair of "real" shoes today and they look adorable, even if you're not quite sure you like these clunky things on your feet.

We did a lot of fun things this month too! At the beginning of the month we went to CT to visit your Connecticut Family. While we were there we visited Mommy's cousins Tim & Patti and their three little girls. They doted on you like you were a little king. You had a blast!

We went to the Pumpkin Festival at Butler's Orchard with Nana, Pop-pop, Uncle Mark, & Auntie Catharine. You LOVED kicking and throwing the hay in the hay loft. You went on your first Hay Ride and you helped us pick out the perfect pumpkin.

You also dressed up as SKUNK for Halloween! Nana, Uncle John, Auntie Cindy, Uncle Mark, Auntie Catharine, Caitlin (the Pumpkin), and Julia (the Bat) came over for a Halloween Party at our house and then Trick-or-Treating. I couldn't believe how content you were to keep your costume on! It was such a fun night!

(I have no idea why this is sideways...the original picture is not, but when it uploaded, it came out sideways.)

It is so exciting and so much fun to watch you exploring, discovering, and learning new things every day. You are so energetic, happy, friendly, and easy-going that it is just a joy to be around you. Being your Mommy is the best thing I have ever done! I love you so much, Ryan!

Happy 10th Month Birthday!

Love always and forever (no matter what!),

~Mommy

Content

2010-11-02T20:43:00.000-04:00

Recently, I have had the feeling that my life is as it should be right now and that it can't really get any better. I am a mom and a wife and those are my priorities and that's the way it should be.

Prior to ever being pregnant, or even married, I was often found telling people "I was put on this earth to be a mom." And yet, there were moments in my earliest weeks of motherhood when I doubted this. Moments when I thought my "calling" in life wasn't my calling. I was scared in those moments. Worried that life wouldn't be as I had expected it to be. But now, as Ryan is nearly 10 months old and he is developing into such an amazing little person, and I can see every day how Matt and I are helping to make him that little person, I know without a shadow of a doubt that I was indeed put on this earth to be a mom...to be Ryan's mom. And truly, I couldn't be happier.

This isn't to say that there aren't tough, challenging moments. There definitely are. He still isn't a great sleeper (and no, I am not going to put in writing whether or not he has made any progress in that area lately, because if I do, any hypothetical progress would certainly be lost) and those middle of the night wake-up calls are rough. At times the unpredictability of babyhood can be tough. Just this past Saturday Ryan didn't take his usual long naps, and thus messed up the "schedule" we had planned for the day. This frustrated both Matt and me and made us short with each other. Last night, Ryan was very grumpy (who knows why) and thus our usual relatively calm sit-down-as-a-family dinner was chaotic and filled with whining about anything and everything. Parenting isn't predictable, it isn't always easy, but it is what I am supposed to be doing in life right now. And I know that with a level of certainty that is only rivaled by the certainty I felt the day I married Matt.

Ryan is my son, and the joy that I feel in watching the loving, joyful, pleasant, gentle (most of the time), funny, and friendly little boy he is becoming is beyond description. I love watching his explore and discover the world. I look at him with such pride. My heart swells daily. More often I find myself simply enjoying the moment more than I ever have before. I don't see myself looking down the road saying, "What's next?" as often. This is my life. It is how it is supposed to be. I am content.

9 Months

2010-10-07T10:13:00.050-04:00

Dear Ryan,

You are now 9 months old! 9 months ago I met you for the first time, and that was indeed the most amazing day of my life!! In that time you have grown in so many ways. You are such a fun, happy, social, loud, and pleasant little boy. Your little personality is shining through in such fun new ways these days and for your 9 month letter I want to share with you what I hope will never change about you.

Ryan, you are such a confident little guy these days. You crawl around like you own the place, you stand without holding on to anything (you seem to be getting so close to walking), and you "talk" with great conviction. While I certainly hope you don't spend your life on all fours, and I hope you get to the point where simply standing is not a feat worth a round of applause, and I of course hope you one day talk eloquently, I also hope your confidence never waivers. Always take pride in even your small achievements. I don't want you to be arrogant or boastful, but you should always be proud of who you are and what you do. You are a special little boy who I have no doubt will one day be an amazing man. Likewise, never be afraid to speak up and out....against injustice, for the underdog, or for a cause in which you believe strongly.

You are also such a friendly little boy. You smile, laugh and giggle freely. You wave hello and goodbye and flash a coy smile even to strangers. You clap for others openly. Don't ever lose this tendency to be friendly and kind to all you meet. Never be afraid to smile at a stranger, you never know, it might make their day! Always continue to celebrate the people in your life. Share in their successes, and yes, give them a round of applause when they deserve it!

You are also a silly little boy. You laugh at zerberts on your belly and when being tickled. You love peek-a-boo. You enjoy watching the Muppets with Daddy. You belly laugh whenever Mommy or Daddy bounce up and down. You find humor and joy in so many things. Please, do not ever lose this tendency to laugh freely and openly. Find joy in your life every day, even on the hard days.

Ryan, last but not least, never, never, never, stop being yourself. While I know the world will impact you, and mold you, and affect you, I truly hope that you will always be true to yourself. I can't wait to watch you grow and develop and become the amazing boy, teenager, and man that I know you will become. I am so proud to be your Mommy! I love you so much!

Happy 9 Month Birthday!

Love,

~Mommy

M.I.A

2010-10-04T13:56:00.000-04:00

This is simply a message to let you know that I am in fact still here. I guess this month has been busier than I realized! I haven't posted since Ryan's 8 month update and now it is almost time for his 9 month update! Well, that update will be coming soon. And after that, I am making a commitment to blog at least once a week.....Maybe if I had more commenters (ergo, I would actually know if people are reading) I would feel more ~~pressure~~ motivation to write! ;) (hint, hint!)

8 Months

2010-09-07T21:22:00.000-04:00

Dearest Ryan,

Today you turned 8 months old! You continue to be such a happy little guy and Daddy and I love you so much! You're growing up before our eyes and mastering all the "tricks" you learned to do last month. You crawl faster, you stand more easily, you feed yourself like you've been doing it your whole life, and you babble constantly! You now say Mama & Dada and it is clear you know what you're saying. It melts my heart every time you say "Mama Mama!!" You interact and play with toys more and more. You try to put the right shapes in the correct holes on your shape sorter, you take your animals in and out of the Ark, and you snuggle stuffed animals. It is so much fun to play with you!

This past month was a month filled with new and exciting experiences/changes. Perhaps the biggest change is that I started watching your two cousins Julia and Caitlin 4 days a week and working one day a week at "Dr. Bob's Place." You are adjusting very well, but it is very hard work! Nana is helping me A LOT and I am very nervous about the days when she doesn't help (which will be soon, since Nana has to have a surgery). Most of the day it will be OK, but feeding time and nap time will be a challenge. But, I know we'll figure it out and you and Julia will be OK. You may cry more than you do now (as you'll be learning to wait your turn) but that will be a good life lesson.

You also did a lot of other new things this month. You went to the beach for the first time, and you had a blast! (See previous post I wrote about our trip to the beach).

We also went to the State Fair with Grandma, Grandpa, Great-Grandma, & Great-Grandpa. You went on a Merry-Go-Round (you didn't seem to love it, but you didn't hate it either), you won a GIANT puppy dog just for being cute, and you got to pet a baby goat which made you giggle. It seems you love animals!

Because you seemed to like the animals so much we decided to take you to Clark's Elioak Farm where you got to pet goats, a donkey, a horse, chickens, bunnies, and pigs. Pop-pop went with us and we all had a blast! It is so much fun watching you explore the world! You are so curious! You love to experience new things which makes doing new things with you so much fun! Daddy and I cannot wait to take you on even more outings as you get older!

In accordance with all previous updates, I have to at least mention your sleeping. But that is all I am going to do. Let's just say that your sleep habits leave much to be desired lately....but we're blaming this on teething (your top two teeth are coming in) and this has made you somewhat miserable at times. We love you to pieces, but we don't enjoy seeing you at midnight, 2:00 a.m., 4:00 a.m., AND 6:00 a.m. when you wake for the day. Let's get back to the one time a night wake up schedule, OK? Or, even better yet, how about you actually sleep through the night!?!?! There's a novel idea!

But truly, Ryan, aside from you're sleeping, you are a joy! Daddy and I love you to pieces and we are so glad that you're a part of our lives. We were meant to be your Mommy & Daddy, and you were meant to be our son. I'll love you always and forever, no matter what!

Love always,

~Mommy

The AC Guy and the Dirty Diaper

2010-08-31T21:00:00.000-04:00

Ryan is currently going through a stage in which he REFUSES to stay still during a diaper change. I am not just talking about squirming or kicking his legs. I am talking about full out flipping over and trying to crawl away. Fortunately, he usually stays still for the first few seconds, allowing the diaper changer just enough time to get the dirty diaper off, and clean up any areas needing cleaning. He seems to have mercy on you for these most offensive moments, but from there on out, you're on your own. Getting the new diaper on, putting on Desitin, and then getting his onesie snapped or his pants back on is a full on wrestling match.

Today this wrestling match lead to a rather humorous scene.

A few days ago Matt and I noticed that our house was getting progressively warmer, despite the fact that the AC was running non-stop. So, we called in BGE Home to have someone look at it. A lovely gentleman came by today, and checked it out and fixed it (at least temporarily). We chatted while he was here, and I learned that he was a dad, with two boys, ages 17 and 19. Ryan woke from a nap midway through his visit and as soon as I picked up Ryan I had a good idea of what woke up Ryan. Let's just say it wasn't the smell of roses coming from his bottom!

While the gentleman was heading out to his truck to get some paperwork, I asked him if he would be a few minutes or if he would be right back in, because I needed to change Ryan's diaper, but didn't want to hold him up, if he would be right back. He said, "Oh, it will take me a few minutes. Go ahead and change it."

So, as soon as the AC Guy headed out to his car I began the task of changing this particularly foul smelling diaper. (With a greater intake of solids we have bid farewell to the non-stinky breast milk only diapers...oh, how I miss those days!) I previously mentioned that Ryan typically has mercy on the diaper changer for the first few minutes. Well, NOT TODAY!

As soon as I started to unfasten the dirty diaper, Ryan started squirming. All my attempts to turn him back over, to distract him, to firmly but gently say "No! Ryan!" (which does sometimes work....he does know what "No" means) were all failures! Ryan soon had poop on his arms and legs and on my leg. I was desperately trying to keep Ryan on the changing mat (which is now placed on the floor for ALL diaper changes) so that the poop didn't spread to the carpet. I was again trying to turn him back over, but that only resulted in the offensive matter ending up on my hand. And yes, of course, the AC Guy was now walking back in the door. He looked at me, looked at Ryan, and said, "Oh my! Wow....Uhhh, I'll just finish up the paper work." And he politely pretended to be busy while I wrestled, wiped, and disinfected my son and myself. Ryan then happily crawled around in just his diaper with the biggest smile on his face, while I sheepishly signed some paper work and thanked the AC guy for his time.

I think that was a visit that neither the AC Guy nor I will be forgetting anytime soon!

My Dad

2010-08-27T22:20:00.000-04:00

Today my Dad's place of employment held a celebration for him in honor of his upcoming retirement. As of next Wednesday, my Dad will be officially retired. And today, at this celebration for my very special Dad, I was more proud than I have ever been to be my Dad's daughter.

My Dad, Ryan's Pop-Pop is a pretty special man. (There's a reason why Ryan's middle name is James, after my Dad). He is selfless and kind. He is humble and unassuming. He is giving and gentle. He is tremendously smart and wise, and has superb insight. My dad has had a truly impressive career. And I have always known that his co-workers, supervisors, and supervisees respected him for his wisdom, smarts, dedication, and insight.

But today, at this celebration, it was clear that the people he worked with for the past 11 years truly understand the man that is my dad. They respect him for the more subtle qualities that make him who he is. They love him for the way he is always so appreciative of the work that people do, from the person who cleans the floor, to the Human Resource manager who developed the orientation program. They appreciate the gentle way he can ask a challenging question. A question that makes everyone stop and think about what they do and how they do it, and makes them want to do it better. They appreciate him for the team-oriented approach he takes to everything. They will miss his friendly hellos and his love of chocolate. They will miss the way he seems to know everyone's name. They respect his inquiring mind and search for knowledge. While the know he is a tremendous teacher, they also appreciate the way he always wants to learn new things. They will never forget the impact he had on their hospital, and how in his wake, he is leaving it a better place.

Listening to many, many people get up and talk about my Dad made me think about how I can live my life better. It made me think about what I want people to say about me when I retire in 35 (oh, who I am kidding, it will be more like 45) years. It made me want to be like my dad. To leave an impact on the people I work with. To truly make them better people just by being who I am. It's a lofty goal. But I've had a great teacher and role model.

Dad, I can't wait to share in your retirement. I can't wait to watch you bond with Ryan in an even more special way. I can't wait to see the stress of meetings and presentations erased from your face. I can't wait to watch you enjoy this much deserved, and much anticipated retirement. No one deserves to enjoy these coming decades more than you!

I love you!

Moments Like This....

2010-08-23T21:16:00.000-04:00

It was bedtime. Ryan had just had an unusually grumpy evening (I think the Gelato that I was told "is water based and contains no milk" did indeed contain milk, and thus upset the GI system of my milk-intolerant 7 month old) and after a typical bedtime routine (bath, Goodnight Moon, Nursing...) I figured he would go right to sleep. But Ryan had a better idea.

After nursing for a few minutes Ryan decided it was time to laugh and giggle. It's rare these days that Ryan doesn't go to sleep pretty quickly after his well-established routine. And on the rare occasion that he doesn't, it is not filled with tears, but usually laughter. And instead of wishing he would "Just go to bed!" I soak up these moments.

He laughs, I laugh at him, and he giggles the most joyful little laugh that starts way down deep in his belly and escapes his lips in a flurry of unbridled joy! He brushes his fingers gently at my damp hair (from the shower I took after our evening jog, while Daddy gave him his bath) and rubs his face against mine. He is so snuggly and loving in these moments. I love these moments. It is moments like this that make the middle of the night wakings (yes, we still have our fair share of those) and the early morning risings (will there ever be a day again when I can sleep later than 6:30??) and the spit up on my freshly washed shirt, totally and completely worth it.

The Beach

2010-08-22T20:00:00.000-04:00

Two weekends ago (August 13-16) we spent three wonderful days in Ocean City, Maryland with my brother, his wife, and their two beautiful girls.

I'll let the pictures tell the story.

Ryan Tried to eat sand, but then realized it wasn't very good and didn't persist.

Caitlin played in the sand (she did not try to eat it!)

John, Cindy, Caitlin, & Julia enjoying the beach.

Ryan loved looking at and feeling the Ocean on his toes!

Splash, splash, splash!

John with his two beautiful girls!

Caitlin = Cute as can be!

Julia! So sweet!

The Cam Fam plus 1!

Ryan loved getting to take a bath in the sink!

Family Footprints

Back to the grind....

2010-08-21T21:16:00.001-04:00

I survived! I started watching my nieces this week, as my sister-in-law returned to work after three months of maternity leave. Yes, that's right. I now spend three and a half days a week watching my son Ryan (7 months) and my two nieces Caitlin (3.5 years) and Julia (3 months). My mom is helping me in these early weeks as we all adjust to this new "routine." But, it is going much better than expected! Twice this week all three kids napped at the same time for at least an hour! I consider that a HUGE success!

I know we'll have our rough days. I know tears will be shed as I only have so many hands and can only attend to one crying baby at a time (not to mention my own potential tears at not being able to meet everyone's needs at the moment they need their needs met). I know there will be days when I will think, "What was I thinking?" when I agreed to do this (not only agreed, but came up with the idea!).

But I also know that I already experience tremendous joy each day in watching these little people interact with each other. I will get to watch a very special bond develop between the three cousins. I will get to not only be "Auntie" to Caitlin and Julia, but a very special caregiver. Ryan will get to be with his Mommy every day instead of having to go to daycare. And for all these reasons, and so many more, I wouldn't trade this job for anything. At least not yet anyway!

7 Months!

2010-08-07T15:59:00.004-04:00

Dear Ryan,

Today you turned 7 months old, and WOW! What a difference a month makes. You have learned so many new things in the past month! It is amazing! But before I talk about all the new things you can do, I just want to tell you all about you!

You are soooo JOYFUL! You often wake up laughing (or making this noise that sounds more like a cough, but that we know is your laugh, and which Daddy and I find hilarious and adorable!) and you spend the majority of every day in a happy, joyful mood. Just looking at you brings a smile to my face. When you happen to give me one of those all out, every muscle in your face grins, I just melt. And I am so lucky as you give me smiles like that many times a day!

There are so many things you love these days. Most clearly, you love Daddy and me very much. You smile when you see us after a nap or in the morning. You grin from ear to ear when Daddy gets home from work. You clearly miss us when you're away from you (yes, Daddy and I have made it a point to go on a date every month since you were born! We're lucky to have Nana & Pop-pop so close by so they can watch you!)You also love your extended family members so much. It is so neat to watch you developing special relationships with each of them. You love your big green ball which you chase around the house regularly. You love to play with toys (especially your "stacking bowls" and your music table). You like to dance and you laugh when Daddy sings. Mommy singing isn't as funny, but Daddy gets a giggle every time! You continue to love bath time very much and you no longer scream after it is over! And of course, you love to eat! You have yet to find a food you don't like, although Avocado is clearly your favorite (with Peas still being a close second and Bananas in third place). You simply seem to love the little life we've created for you here. And I hope that doesn't change in the coming weeks. Starting in a little less than two weeks I will start watching your cousins, Caitlin and Julia every day except Friday. You love your cousins, but I have a feeling you are going to have a hard time sharing me. I know we'll work through it, but I'd be lying if I didn't say I was a bit nervous.

So, I mentioned that you can do SOOO many new things now! Here's a list:

As of July 23rd you can CRAWL! You took your first crawling steps and within days you were zooming around the house like a pro.
About 4 days after learning to crawl you started pulling up on furniture, toys, stairs (so far only the bottom step), your crib and people. You now can pull to standing very easily. But, you sometimes forget that you're not yet able to stand independently because you let go rather recklessly. Fortunately someone is always there to catch you, but it makes keeping an eye on you VERY important! (I wouldn't have minded if you just crawled for a while and didn't pull up quite so quickly!) But as Nana always says, "You're just such a busy little guy!"
You can now feed yourself using your pinscher grasp. You did this for the first time just yesterday (August 6th). You LOVE to feed yourself puffs and you're so good at it! You also are very proud of yourself. When I clap and cheer you smile ear to ear as if to say, "That's right! I can do it all by myself!"
You have two teeth on the bottom. They're almost all the way in now. I can't feel any others yet, but considering you like to gnaw on EVERYTHING, I would expect some more to make an appearance soon.
You can take your hat off all by yourself. You use to let me put hats on you and you would leave them there. Now you think it is a fun game, and as soon as I put one on, you pull it off.
You are so verbal! You make lots and lots of sounds including a sound that sounds very much like "Mama." You don't consistently say it yet, but you'll get there! :)

Well, I think that sums up all the new things you learned to do this month. It was quite a month!

I always seem to give an update on your sleeping. You are now a very consistent napper with two 75 minute naps a day and sometimes a short cat nap in the early evening. You don't sleep through the night :( But you are at least consistent. You usually wake up twice: the first time Daddy goes in and gives you a few snuggles and then you go back to sleep. The second time (anytime after 3:00) Mommy nurses you, and then you go right back to sleep. You typically wake up for the day sometime around 6:30. I know you'll eventually sleep through the night, just not yet I guess. However, feel free to start doing that at any moment! OK? Thanks!

Ryan, I love you soooo very much! It is such a joy being your mommy. As I tell you every night, as I rock you to sleep, I will love you always, forever, no matter what!

Happy 7th Month Birthday Little Man!

Love,

Mommy

Thoughts on Maternity Leave...

2010-07-30T21:03:00.000-04:00

So, my postings have never been very controversial. I mean, talking about your baby and the silly, awesome, frustrating, cute, challenging things you encounter with him everyday doesn't exactly invite vigorous debate. And while I don't intend this post to be offensive in any way to anyone, I worry some could take it that way (or at least have strong opinions about it) and I am just going to go ahead and apologize now. Sorry!

So, I've been thinking a lot lately. Ryan is now 6 months and three weeks old. And the exponential faster rate at which he is learning new things these days just makes watching him grow sooooo much fun! And thus, I have been thinking a lot about maternity leave and the lack there of for many (most) women in the United States.

Why, you ask? Why does my son’s age and growing number of "new tricks" make me think about maternity leave? Well, I'll tell you!

Most women in the US don't get any truly paid maternity leave. Sure, we can use sick and vacation time to have a period of time off with our child during which we get paid. But we don't have any leave that is paid solely for the purpose of taking care of and bonding with a newborn. I remember when I was in Ireland a year and a half ago. I was about 6 weeks pregnant, and my husband and I were on the train talking with a woman who had a 7 month old. She was lamenting the fact that she had to return to work in a month after her 8 months of paid maternity leave! I was jealous, I was in awe, and I was wondering, "What the bleep is wrong with our country?!?!?!?!"

As I have been caring for Ryan, I have begun to wonder if there is a method to our country's madness...A manipulative method. Here in the US, we are allowed up to 12 weeks of leave to care for a family member (16 weeks in the District of Columbia, where I was grateful to be working at the time I had Ryan). This leave doesn't have to be paid. Simply, the law states that your position must be held for you during this time. In other words, they can't fire you or fill your position because you are caring for a family member. Thus, many women choose to take the full 12 weeks of maternity leave.

If I had gone back to work when I had originally planned to, I would have been going back when Ryan was 16 weeks old. He was adorable, and fun, and we were bonded, and connected, and all those great things. But nowhere near to the extent that we are now. He is such a little person now! He has strong opinions and finds ways of communicating them. When he wakes up startled, he yells "maaamamammamama!!!" I'm not sure if he's saying "Mama" but it sure sounds like it! He knows me and I know him in a way that we didn't when he was only 16 weeks old.

Going back to work when he was 16 weeks old would have been difficult. I wouldn't have liked it, and I am sure I would have cried. But I would have been able to do it without too much angst. Now, if I think about leaving him multiple days each week I truly cannot imagine doing it. I know he'd be ok if I did leave him. And I'd be ok too. But I don't want to do it and am so grateful that things have worked out in such a way that I don't have to.

But, this made me think. Is it just coincidence that our legally protected amount of "maternity leave" here in the U.S. conveniently ends before this magical time of amazing growth? If it ended later would more women choose to stay home, or request part-time work? I don't know the answer, but it sure made me wonder!

Yes, I'm Still Here....

2010-07-29T17:06:00.000-04:00

I swear I haven't forgotten about this blog (for the 2, maybe three of you that regularly read this, one of whom is my mom). I have just been busy, and every time I think of a great post, I also think of something else I need to get done (child-proofing the house, making avocado baby food (Ryan's favorite, and will someone tell me why you cannot buy this in the store?? It's one of the best foods you can give a baby!!), watching Minute To Win It (yes, I'm addicted!), having dinner at my brother and sister-in-law's house, spending time with my Mom, working (the new job is going great but getting busier!) oh yeah, and taking care of my 6 month old while also trying to spend some quality time with Matt.) Yes, I know these are all excuses, and that if I really wanted to write a blog post I would. And I am currently writing this post to say that I will be writing a real post (many real posts!) in the near future! I actually have a lot I want to write about! But until then, enjoy a few recent pictures of Ryan:

With his Uncle John:

Playing with Cousin Caitlin:

Peekaboo in the clothes basket:

Chunkster...

2010-07-13T21:58:00.000-04:00

Ryan had his six month check up today. He's 18 lbs 3 oz (70%) and 28 inches (95%) long. I guess you could say he's kinda a big guy! Gotta love a chunky baby!

6 Months!

2010-07-07T07:00:00.010-04:00

Dear Ryan,

Today, you turn 6 months old and it is hard to believe you are already that old! Yet, I can't imagine life without you. You just become more fun and more joyful with every passing day. Daddy and I are so enjoying watching you change, grow, and develop!

You can do lots of things now that you couldn't do when I wrote your last letter. Your biggest achievement is that you can now sit all by yourself. You look like such a big boy when you sit and play with toys all by yourself. I still put the Boppy around you (because sometimes you lean too far in one direction and you topple over) but you really do have rather strong ab muscles :)

You get closer and closer to crawling every month. You are trying soooo hard these days. You now push up onto all fours, rock back and forth, sometimes move your legs forward, or your arms backward, but you are not yet coordinated enough to move your legs forward AND your arms forward. After a while you give up, and then you flail on your belly (arms and legs kicking) like a little bug. It's sad and adorable at the same time!

You're also really babbling so much more! You've always been a "talker" but now you say things with different inflection and emotion and you seem to know exactly what you're saying. You can make consonant sounds as well as vowel sounds. You say, ba-ba-ba, and la-la-la. Just the other day you started doing this funny thing where you make a very serious face, move your mouth around in a very funny way and say "A-ba, A-ba-a-baaa!" It is difficult to describe, but it is VERY funny. You had the entire family laughing hysterically on the 4th of July when you started doing this.

This month you also figured out how to turn on your mobile in your crib. We have yet to determine if you do it on purpose, but quite a few times, when we've gone to get you after a nap you have the mobile on, toys strewn about, and a huge smile on your face. You almost always wake up soooo happy!

Speaking of waking up, let's talk about your sleep. You had a few setbacks during the month, but in just the past week you really seem to be settling in to a "schedule" of two 90 minute naps and sometimes a brief evening nap. You had started waking up twice during the night (which Mommy and Daddy did not appreciate!) but you seem to be back to just once again. (YAY!) Maybe someday soon you'll sleep alllllll the way through the night!

Your schedule currently (give or take a half hour here or there) is usually as follows (and dear readers, I am aware, this is completely boring. But I put this in here simply for my own reference, so I can later go back and compare):

7:00 am:    Wake up! (play, dance, etc).
9:00 am:     First nap of the day
10:30 am: Wake up! (play, read, run errands with mommy.)
12:30 pm: Eat Solids (current offerings include Avocado, Bananas, Peas, Pears, Apples, Peaches, Carrots,
                 Summer Squash, Sweet Potatoes, Prunes and soon, Green Beans. Avocados are your favorite!).
1:30 pm:    Second Nap of the day
3:00 pm:   Wake up!
4:00 pm:   Eat again
5:00 pm:   (Sometimes take a brief 30/45 minute nap) Daddy Comes home (yay!). Eat dinner with Mommy
                 & Daddy (i.e. Sit in your high chair and play with toys).
6:30 pm:   Go for a jog with Mommy & Daddy
7:30 pm:   Bedtime routine starts with a bath (your favorite time of day).
8:00/8:15 pm: Asleep for the night

It's a good little routine we've got going! Actually, it's a good little life we've got going! I love you so much Ryan!

Happy Half-Birthday!

Love,

~Mommy

Happy Father's Day!

2010-06-20T16:27:00.002-04:00

For being the one who 9 times out of 10 gets up in the morning when Ryan gets up so that I get a few more minutes of sleep, knowing that he won't want to eat right away if I'm not the one to get him.

For always being so gentle, kind, caring, and loving towards your Ryan.

For loving me even when I get frustrated with you when I shouldn't.

For being braver than I am when it comes to taking Ryan to new places. You always have a "Yeah, we can do it!" attitude. And you have yet to be wrong!

For showing your love so freely towards Ryan, even in silly ways: zerberts on his belly, "Naked, naked, NAKED!" silly chants, tons of kisses when you come home from work, singing (he loves when you sing!), dancing, and playing on the ground right at his level.

For taking on your new father role with such grace and ease!

For all these reasons and more, you are a WONDERFUL Father. Ryan and I are so lucky to have you in our lives!

I love you!

ARRRRGGGGHHHH!!!

2010-06-17T22:00:00.000-04:00

Ryan took a two hour morning nap every day last week. He then typically took an hour to an hour and a half nap in the early afternoon, and a third (short) nap in the late afternoon. It was GLORIOUS! I got so much done. I felt so refreshed. It made it so I was so very engaged with him when he was awake. I didn't spend half my day trying to get him to go back to sleep. Both Ryan and I were so happy each day, every day, all day.

This week is exactly the same as last week. No changes in his routine or schedule....and yet....he has now AGAIN decided that napping for more than 40 is over-rated....WHY?????? WHY?????? WHY????????????????????????????????

Jackpot

2010-06-16T08:00:00.009-04:00

Some people win lotteries. Others win raffles. Still others hit the jackpot on the slots. I have done none of the above. But I did hit a far more important "jackpot:" the "Parent Jackpot." I was lucky to be born to two people who I believe are the most amazing parents ever to inhabit the earth. I know that is a lofty statement. But if you knew my parents you would begin to understand what makes me say this. Today, my parents celebrate their 37th Wedding Anniversary. In those 37 years they raised three children and are now the proud grandparents to three beautiful babes. We are all who we are because of the love my parents surrounded us with from the moment we were born.

I have always been aware that my parents were special people. Yes, even during my teen years I was grateful for them! But now, being a parent myself I realize even more just how special they are.

My Mom and Dad have always put their children first. I knew this, I appreciated it, but I didn't fully understand what this meant until recently. I guess I've always thought being a parent means putting your children first. Well, let me rephrase, being a good parent means always putting your children first. And well, since I knew my parents were not only good, but excellent parents, I thought the "putting us first" thing came easily. But I now know it is not easy. It is not just one decision that is made when you choose to have children. Rather, I now realize that the decision to put your children first is a decision that you make over and over again every day, multiple times a day.

We often take for granted the idea of putting your children first. But actually doing it does not just happen. It is intentional, and it is done repeatedly, every day of a child's life. It is an active decision that a parent makes every time they choose to forgo their own convenience/desire/want in the best interest of their child. But this is what parents do for their children out immense love. It would be easy to slip up and choose not to do this. There are many opportunities to slip up, and choose to put yourself first. It is an exceptional parent who is able to make the correct decision over and over again. I can't think of a single time my parents slipped up. Rather, my mom and dad have made the selfless decision to put their three children and three grandchildren first billions of time. They still choose to do this every day. Even as they are retired (or in my Dad's case nearing retirement) and their "baby" is 29 years old. For this, I say thank you!

Mom & Dad, thank you for being the amazing parents you are. Thank you for always putting us first! Thank you for the love you give so freely; a love that made me the wife and mom I am today. Thank you for my wonderful brothers! Thank you for being such a caring and devoted husband and wife to each other. Thank you for being a stellar example of a strong, committed, realistic marriage. Thank you for showing me that by putting your children first, your relationship as husband as wife can still flourish and grow (even through the hard, difficult, challenging times!). Thank you for making it so that I hit the most important jackpot of life! I love you! Happy 37th Anniversary!

One Sweet Boy...Many Faces

2010-06-13T21:51:00.000-04:00

5 Months

2010-06-07T21:23:00.004-04:00

Dearest Ryan,

Today you turned 5 months old. And wow! What a difference a month makes! You can do so many more things now than you could a month ago!

One of the biggest changes is that you started eating "solid" food. We started with Rice Cereal, and then moved to Avocado, Peas, Carrots, and Bananas. You have yet to meet a food you don't like (although sometimes you don't like it immediately)! You also have started using a sippy cup with a little water. You look like such a big boy with that sippy cup!

You are becoming SO MUCH more physically adept. You can reach and grab toys with ease (no more of that wobbly grab where it takes you 5 seconds to get what you want!). You are getting closer to crawling: you can prop yourself up on your elbows and sometimes your hands for quite a while. You can "scooch" but not yet crawl. Although sometimes I put you down on your activity mat, and then when I turn around you are 5 feet from where I left you and I'm never sure how you got there! You are so squirmy: when holding you, when changing your diaper, when giving you a bath, even sometimes when nursing you! If you hear something you will turn your head around to see what is going on. You don't want to miss a thing! It's cute, but it makes feeding you take a little longer than it used to! You still love that excersaucer, even if you do get frustrated sometimes when a toy won't fit in your mouth the way you want it to.

You are becoming more and more verbal, and have on a few occasions said what sounds like a perfect, "Hi!" We are constantly trying to get you to say it, and usually you just laugh at us. But every now and then you say it at appropriate times. We won't yet call it your first word, but I have a feeling it will be!

Now onto the most important topic: SLEEP! You are still doing pretty well at night (usually only waking up once between 8:00 pm and 6:00 am) although you did have a setback for a week or so when we were probably feeding you too many vegetables and your little GI system couldn't handle them. You're getting back on track now though. But as for naps....we have good news to report!!! You have made such progress! You now always sleep in your crib (unless Mommy runs errands and you fall asleep sooner than she would expect in the car...or on one occasion when Mommy laid you on a blanket outside (after you helped Daddy wash the car) and you fell asleep instantly!) You're also developing more of a schedule. You seem to have a long nap in the morning (which has at times exceeded two hours!) then a short nap in the early afternoon and a medium nap in the later afternoon. Mommy couldn't be more pleased with the progress you've made in napping!The better you sleep, the more joyful you are!

Speaking of joyful, you are just such a happy little guy (most of the time!). You giggle at so many things now: Daddy blowing raspberries on your belly, your bath, Mommy imitating your laugh, Nana rubbing her hair in your face, being held high in the air. You just seem to smile all day long. You attract the attention of strangers everywhere you go. You love to look at new people and new people love to look at you! You're such a flirt!

Here is a brief summary of the milestones and new things you experienced this month:

May 9th: First cold :(

May 13th: First "solid" food!

May 14th: Went to feed the Baby Ducks at Waugh Chapel Lake

May 26th: Consistently sleeping in crib for naps

May 30th: First time playing with the hose and helping Daddy wash the car

June 1st: First time at the Pool (you were indifferent)

June 6th: First outing with just Daddy: To the Grocery Store!

It is so much fun being your Mommy, Ryan. I love you more than you will ever know!

Happy 5th Month day!

Love,

~Mommy

Reflections on My 29th Birthday...

2010-06-01T22:01:00.000-04:00

29 years ago today, I was born. Thus, as birthdays often tend to be, today has been a day during which I have been reflecting a lot on life. I wanted to write a blog post today, seeing as it is my first birthday as a mom, but I wasn't sure exactly what to write. And then, I read this post on a blog I read frequently. And, I was inspired.

In sum, the post I linked to above talks about how as moms we can often find ourselves talking openly about the difficult parts of parenting, because in many ways this is what is expected. We're supposed to be tired and complaining about the lack of sleep and the daily frustrations (i.e. Naps, or in Ryan's case the LACK of good naps) and talking about how "life is NOT the same" since we had kids. And it's not. And in some ways, we need to talk about these challenging parts because we need support and to hear that it will get better and that we will survive.

It's rare, that in daily conversation, as moms, we go on and on about how wonderful life is; How GREAT it is being a mom; How much we LOVE it. Perhaps we're afraid of coming across as a gushing annoying mom who thinks her kid is better than the rest. Perhaps we are tired (because we all are!) and can't always take a step back to realize the wonderful parts. Perhaps we are just so preoccupied with the constant mental "to do" list we have running that we can't stop and just chat about the good things. Likely, it's all of the above. So, today, this is where I take the time to write about how amazing life is, today, as I turn 29 years old. Yes, I may sound gushing, and bragging, but today, as a present to myself I'll allow it. And as your present to me, you'll tolerate it :)

First of all, I can't talk about how great life is without talking about my Husband, Matt. I hit the jackpot when I met him for the first time just over 10 years ago. He is a kind, caring, gentle, funny, intelligent, loving, selfless, and talented person. He makes me so very happy, every day. I have been grateful for him ever since we became an official pair back in September of 2000, when I was a wee freshman in college. I have grown in my respect, adoration, and love for him as I have spent the past (nearly) 5 years as his wife. He teaches me daily about selflessness, teamwork, and kindness. And over these past five months, watching him blossom into an amazing Dad has been inspiring. He loves Ryan with every ounce of his being. It is evident in the way he can't put his stuff down fast enough when he comes home from work so that he can hold and snuggle Ryan; it is clear when he gives him a bath and talks/sings/laughs to him while gently making sure every inch of Ryan is clean; it is obvious in the way he continues to love me, Ryan's mom, endlessly. My husband is truly a very special Daddy.

And then, this brings us to Ryan. Ryan is such a JOY lately. Granted, on most days, he still won't nap for longer than 45 minutes at a time, but even with what seemingly is a lack of adequate sleep, he simply oozes joy. He smiles, laughs, and giggles regularly throughout the day. He smiles as his stuffed Puppy, at the crinkle sound of the Tostitos bag, at the spinning fish in his excersaucer, at the funny songs Mommy sings to him. He laughs at Mommy blowing raspberries, and Daddy crawling next to him on the floor. He giggles when Mommy and Daddy bob up and down while holding him or when Daddy rubs his hair on his face while giving him a bath. He flails his arms and legs in excitement as we sit him in his high chair and as he hears the water running for his evening bath. His joy, in turn brings us joy. It reminds us hundreds of times daily why we wanted children and why we longed for our first born. Ryan has enriched not only our lives, but our marriage.

Sure, being a parent is hard. It puts some added strain on our relationship. But it adds so much more. Matt and I are no longer just focusing on each other. No, we are now responsible for the well-being, happiness, and development of a tiny human being. This awesome responsibility, at times overwhelming, brings our relationship to a new level. It gives us a new sense of achievement. It gives us new insights and joys. It allows us to see each other in a new light. A light that at the end of the day, when we snuggle in each other's arms, makes us that much more grateful for each other.

Yeah, life at 29 years is pretty darn good. (And I haven't even gone into how my parents, brothers, sister-in-laws, and nieces play into my joy! They too enrich my life daily!). 29 years ago, I can't imagine my little newborn self imagined a more wonderful life. I am one lucky woman.

SOLIDS!!

2010-05-28T21:41:00.000-04:00

Soon after Ryan's 4 month check-up, with the full support of our Pediatrician, Ryan started on solid (if that is what you call the mush he's eating!). He took right to it, and he's LOVING it! I'll let the pictures speak for themselves:

Very first food: Rice Cereal...YUM!

Peas! He wasn't so sure at first...but he came around!

Carrots: He LOVED them. He also tried to do it all by himself, which made a mess...but a cute mess! (And why won't blogger let me center this picture???)

Such a big boy with his sippy cup!

He also had avocado. But I forgot to take pictures of that.

What everyone says is true. He really is growing up so fast!

Sometimes...Life just works out...

2010-05-26T21:07:00.001-04:00

I'm generally not one of those people who believes "everything happens for a reason." (DISCLAIMER: I pass no judgement on those that do, and can say I am somewhat jealous of those who do, as there must be tremendous comfort in believing that.) However, recent life events have me feeling that at least sometimes things happen for a reason.

Very soon after I posted my previous post--the post in which I reflected on my changing identity as a mostly stay at home mom--an amazing opportunity came my way. I was contacted by an organization in Baltimore that is developing the first ever pediatric inpatient hospice on the East Coast. They were looking for a Social Worker with extensive experience in this area (check!) and who was willing to work part-time (check!). I went and interviewed, and was offered a Consulting position on the spot.

I am THRILLED! This is an area about which I am tremendously passionate. It is something that will really put to use the year I spent completing a challenging fellowship in Pediatric Palliative Care. It is something that will allow me to improve the lives and deaths of many children and their families. It is something that will enable me to spend most of my time at home with Ryan (much of the work can be done from home) while still being intellectually challenged. It's a role that I feel was meant for me and I am honored to take it on!

Life really is working out pretty nicely for this Cam Fam. I am very grateful!

Remind Me, What Do You Do??

2010-05-14T10:47:00.000-04:00

As I mentioned in my previous post, Ryan had his 4 month pediatrician appointment earlier this week. At one point during the appointment Dr. P, who now knows Matt and I from numerous visits turned to us and said, "Remind me, What do you do?" I paused, I stopped, I fumbled for words. I didn't know how to answer. It was the first time I had been asked this question since I resigned from my job.

Hmmmmm, let's see. Well, I was a medical Social Worker. Now, I'm a stay at home Mom. In a few months I'll be a "Nanny" to my nieces. I definitely plan on going back to being a Medical Social Worker. No, wait. I am a Social Worker. I will always be a Social Worker. I have years of training, experience, and expertise under my belt. I went into this field because I love the work. I love working with families, I love children, I love being able to support people during difficult times. The knowledge base that I have comes into play in my personal life on an almost daily basis. Being a Social Worker is part of my being. Not being employed in that role does not mean I am no longer a Social Worker.

It took me a bit of thinking and processing to get to the conclusion that I just came up with above. And while I initially felt a little sad when I didn't know how to answer Dr. P's question, as I felt like a part of my identity had been lost, I am glad he asked it. I now know exactly how I will answer: "I'm a Social Worker. But right now, I am focusing on being a Mom."

4 Month Check-Up

2010-05-13T21:22:00.000-04:00

Ryan had his 4 month check up yesterday. Ryan now weighs 15 lbs 8 oz (70 %) and measures 26 1/4 inches long (90%). His length has him growing out of clothes at an alarming rate. We fortunately have VERY generous friends and relatives who gave him a TON of clothes as gifts, so I haven't yet had to buy him very many clothes. But that's going to change soon. I will soon have to take the advice of some of my fellow bloggers and enter the world of consignment shops, yard sales, and end of season sales....not my forte, but I'll learn. I tend to prefer conveinence (I am a big fan of Target!) but it seems that some of the best deals can be found elsewhere. Any advice on where to look?

Ryan currently has his first cold :( I have one too. Taking care of a little one when you yourself do not feel well is not fun. Fortunately Ryan's cold doesn't seem to be as bad as mine. Either that, or he has an amazing capacity to remain a happy, smiley guy even when feeling crummy. It kind of breaks my heart that I have no idea how bad he feels. I mean, my throat hurts, and his might too, but I don't know. I can tell he is congested, but other than that, I have no idea what is going on. I am glad his check-up fell while he had the cold so I at least know that he doesn't have an ear infection. Let's hope that continues! And let's up this cold goes away soon!

That's all for tonight!

Goodnight!

4 Months

2010-05-07T20:46:00.003-04:00

Dearest Ryan,

You turned 4 months old today. And what a big boy you are becoming! I know I say this every month, but it's hard to believe how much you've changed in just a few short weeks! This was a big month for you, and for Mommy in so many ways.

Towards the beginning of this month (on the 16th) Nana and Pop-Pop babysat you at their house for the first time so that Mommy and Daddy could go out with Auntie Cindy, Uncle John, Auntie Catharine, and Uncle Mark. Daddy and I had a wonderful time. You....well, you did NOT. You cried a lot for Nana. Pretty much the only time you didn't cry was when you were eating, and when you finally went to sleep. Nana said she could tell you missed me so much. While I am flattered, I felt like you were a little young to have stranger anxiety. You're still not thrilled when Mommy is out of sight, but you're getting better and better about being in other people's arms and hanging out with them. Daddy and I have tried SO HARD since you were born to be relaxed and calm about letting other people hold you, snuggle you, and hang out with you. We really want you to be comfortable with all the people in your life who love you and offer to babysit :).

On the 23rd of April you had a special photo shoot with Mommy and Nana for Mother's Day. You did great! We got some fabulous pictures of you in the same adorable outfit you wore for Easter. You're becoming quite the ham for the camera!

This month you also really giggled for the first time. You've laughed before, but this time it was a true giggle, coming straight from your belly. It was one of the best sounds I have ever heard! Daddy and I caught it on camera. We're not sure what you thought was so funny. Mommy was singing the same "Sweetly sings the donkey" song that I always sing, but Daddy started bobbing up and down. You found this HYSTERICAL! I love to hear you laugh. It makes my heart leap with joy!

On April 25th you were Baptised. It was a busy weekend, with LOTS of out of town visitors, and you were a little out of sorts for much of the weekend. But on the day of your Baptism you were wonderful! You let anyone hold you, and you were just such a happy boy. You looked soooo handsome! Auntie Catharine and Uncle Mark became your God Parents and we have no doubt that they will have a very special role for you throughout your entire life.

On the 30th of April we began "Operation No More than 1 Feeding A Night" and you have been doing great! You go to bed at 8:30, wake up around 6:30 (sometimes a little earlier, sometimes a little later) and you usually only wake up once a night sometime around 2:00. We'll take it!

This month also marked the first time you rode in the jogging stroller. You LOVED it! When you're in the jogging stroller you face forward and can see so much more than you can in the Snap and Go stroller. It's a whole new world out there now and you love looking at it!

You also now blow raspberries all the time. You usually do it to mimic someone who is doing it to you. But you also do it for no reason sometimes. It is very cute :)

You'll note that I didn't write anything in here about naps. Those still continue to be a challenge. We're working on it. Hopefully next month I will be able to report that you consistently sleep IN YOUR CRIB on a solid schedule. I know its a loft goal, but I think you can do it!

As for changes for Mommy, I already alluded to those in a letter I wrote to you a week ago or so. Mommy is officially now a stay at home Mom. It is a privilege to get to be with you every day! It is the best, hardest, and most important job I will ever have!

Other than that, you continue to bring such joy to our lives. I love watching you change and grow every day. You are developing such a personality. You are joyful, determined, and strong-willed. I love every little part of you!

Happy 4th Month-day!

Love,

~Mommy

A Changing Role...

2010-04-28T21:23:00.000-04:00

Dearest Ryan,

I know it is not yet your "Month-day," and thus time for my monthly letter to you. But something important has happened lately, and I want to tell you about it now. (Also, writing this in the form of a letter to you is probably the most politically correct way to do it, so that Mommy doesn't get herself in trouble!)

After you were born, I started to think about what I would do about going back to work. I knew that I loved my job, the work I did, the children and families I worked with. However, I also knew that you had taken up residence in my heart in a way I never knew possible, and thus, I wanted to spend as much time with you as possible. Daddy and I talked a lot about what would be best for all of us, and we decided that going back to work part-time would be best.

I informed the people I work with about I wanted to do. The people Mommy worked with in the Cardiology department were very supportive and believed strongly that something could be worked out so that I could work part-time (3 days a week). However, sadly, Mommy's "other boss" in another department feels strongly that part-time positions don't work, and she put up a brick wall that made it impossible for Mommy to work part-time for the Heart Institute. (That is all Mommy is going to say about that, even though she really has a lot more to say!)

So, since I couldn't go back to work part-time, I resigned. I am now going to be the "Nanny" for your two cousins Julia and Caitlin. This means that I will get to be with you every day. It means you will get to spend a lot of time with your cousins and build a special relationship with them. And while I am a little sad to leave my job, my colleagues, the patients, and families, I am also relieved to know that I will be able to spend so much time with you.

I love you so very, very much Ryan. My most important job right now, and for the rest of my life is as your Mom. I know that one day I will return to "work." But for now, I am going to be right where I belong: with you.

I love you so much!

~Mommy

Napping Bootcamp

2010-04-15T15:13:00.000-04:00

Today, I officially decided that Ryan will take all (or at least almost all) his naps in his crib. Until now he has occaisionally napped on me, sometimes in the pack N play which is still downstairs, and often in his car seat if we have gone out on an errand. He falls asleep so easily in the car seat, and when we get home, I usually leave him there (I will probably still do this, but I will also try to limit going out when he should be napping. I know, the sleep experts say I should never do this...but, oh well!).

He rarely naps in his crib. Although he falls asleep in there just fine at night, he has always had a hard time staying asleep in his drib during the day. And until now, I haven't fought it because I know he is a miserable boy when he doesn't get his naps, so I figured it was just important that he get sleep, no matter where. Well, I've changed my mind! I need to reclaim my first floor for a period of time during the day so that I can straighten up, eat lunch, etc, and not worry that I will wake up Ryan. So, I officially started Nap Bootcamp today!

The first round, was not so good. I noticed a yawn and an eye rub at around 11:00 (he slept later than normal this morning, not waking for the day until 9:00) and so we headed to his room. I fed him, changed his diaper, turned on his "going to sleep music" and the cycle began. He would get drowsy, I would lay him in his crib, he would scream, I would pick him up, calm him down, and lay him back down. We did this over, and over, and over, about 10 times until finally at 1:00 he fell asleep in the crib. He only stayed asleep for 22 minutes.

The second round was MUCH better. We only did the above described cycle twice. He fell asleep at 2:30, and now, at 3:10, he is still alseep (although I am starting to hear him move around up there...but he may not be awake yet.) If you ask me, this is tremendous progress in just two rounds. Let's hope it just keeps getting better from here!

3 Months

2010-04-07T14:38:00.051-04:00

Dearest Ryan,

Today you turned 3 months old. You have grown so much and you can do so many more things since I last sat down to write one of these letters.

You smile more and more every day. Your coos and giggles are more varied in their sound. You still try to mimic sounds and facial movements. You try so hard to do this, but you're not quite there. You do consistently stick your tongue out though if someone sticks it out at you :) You can pick up toys that are lying in your lap and you bring them to your mouth. You drool CONSTANTLY! You can now roll from your belly to your back AND from your back to your belly. It’s always funny when you end up on your belly, because you don't like that and then you start to fuss until you roll back the other way.

You love to be held up so you can "walk." You're getting better and better at this and it is so cute to watch. Your legs are so strong that you can even play in your excersaucer (with close supervision, of course!) which makes you laugh and coo a LOT. Your favorite toy is the spinning rattle with the fish in it. The first time you made it turn it scared you. But now you're used to it and you get so excited when you hear the rattle, rattle, rattle, as it spins.

You're still not the greatest sleeper, but you are improving. You now consistently give us two 4 hour stretches, and occasionally a 5 or 6 hour stretch. Daddy and I would love it if you would keep those 6 hour stretches coming! When you do wake up, you're almost never up for more than 15 minutes, and Mommy is very grateful for this! You wake up in the morning at around 7:00. You usually play in your crib a bit, talking and cooing to yourself, until you finally start yelling for me to come in and get you. Whenever I walk in you always have the BIGGEST smile on your face. It's as if you're saying, "You're finally here! I missed you!" It’s one of my favorite parts of the day!

Mommy is going to have to go back to work in less than a month now. But we're not going to talk about that right now, because it brings tears to Mommy's eyes just typing the words. Mommy loves her job, but she loves being home with you and can't imagine leaving you. But I know that you'll be in wonderful hands with Nana!

Well, Sweet Boy, it’s hard to believe you've already been here for three months. My, how life has been changed and enriched! I can't to wait to watch you grow and develop even more. I love you sooooooooooo much!

~Mommy

Elusive Sleep

2010-03-30T11:15:00.000-04:00

So, I know I am opening myself up for all kinds of advice on this one. But I want it. My sweet (almost 12 week old) baby boy continues to be a happy, smiley, giggling little guy, despite that fact that he has suddenly decided that sleep at night is best done in 2 hour increments. He had been sleeping 5-6 hours at a time. He would go to bed at 10:00, wake up at 4:00, eat, and then wake up again at 7:00. Not too bad at all. I could function quite well with that schedule. Well, now (starting about 10 days ago when he had his 2 month vaccines...I know it’s probably more coincidental than causal, but my husband is convinced the vaccines are to blame!) he has decided that he needs to go to bed earlier (that's fine, and definitely normal) and wake up a LOT more often. Now he goes to sleep at 9:00 and is waking up at 12:00 or 1:00 and then every two hours. I don't nurse him every time he gets up and he does go back to sleep, but just not for very long.

I don't think this would be so bad if he hadn't given us a taste of what getting a "good" (wow has my definition of "good" changed!!) night's sleep was like. I just want my solid 5-6 hour stretch of sleep back!

Any suggestions? Did this "setback" happen with your kids? How did you get them back on schedule? Any and all advice/guidance/suggestions are welcome!

He's Baaaaaaaack!

2010-03-24T15:11:00.000-04:00

In a follow-up to my previous post, I just wanted to let everyone know that as of Tuesday morning my sweet, easy-going, giggly little Ryan has returned. He is such a joy! I love him so much!

Shot...

2010-03-21T14:18:00.000-04:00

As a new mom this title could have so many meanings: My patience could be shot (it's not, at least most of the time) my eyes could be blood shot from lack of sleep (bloodshot, no, dark circles, yes), etc, etc.

However, what I am talking about is my poor sweet little boy who has been replaced by a sad, cranky, little boy ever since his 2 month vaccines. I have never ONCE thought about delaying or skipping any vaccines. And while I still won't, I am now DREADING all future pediatrician appointments that involve vaccines. Poor little Ryan is miserable. My baby that would only cry when hungry or needing a diaper change has been replaced by a little guy who whimpers and cries most of the time except when he is eating or sleeping (he's currently sleeping, that's how I can write this). So far we're 2 days out from the shots.The info sheets we were given said that if this persists for more than 3 days to call the pediatrician. Let's hope that doesn't happen! I want my sweet boy back!

His latest stats per the pediatrician (keeping in mind that he was measured incorrectly at his last visit, during which they said he was 25 1/2 inches long) are as follows: 12 lbs 13 oz (60%), 24 1/2 inches (88 %), 41 1/2 in head circumference (70%)

In other news, prior to the aforementioned shots, life with Ryan has been wonderful. He giggles and laughs more each day. He coos and squeals. He even tries to mimic me when I say "la, la, la, la, la." He'll have it in no time! He watches how my tongue moves and he moves his the same way, he just doesn't have the sound quite right. But he is trying so hard! Its adorable. (I know, I know! I sound like a sappy mom, who thinks her baby is the greatest baby ever to be born...but hey, that's what mom's are supposed to think, right?)

Here's to my beautiful baby boy and the hope that his sweet, calm, happy personality is back in no time!

“Amazing, wonderful, awesome, special…”

2010-03-10T12:34:00.000-05:00

I wrote this "essay" about 5 weeks after Ryan was born. I had had a typical post partum period, but I was shocked by how hard it was. My husband and I also felt alone in our feelings of how hard it was. I decided that I didn't want the women in my life to feel alone like that when they have a newborn. So, I wrote this as something I will save and share with women I care about as they have their first born children.

“Amazing, wonderful, awesome, special…”

These are all words used by others to describe the first days after a child is born. After just experiencing that time period first hand, I can say that this time is indeed “special” but not in the way one would think.

These first days are about survival. They are about sleep deprivation, out of control emotions, diaper changes, tears (not just the baby’s), feedings, and repeat, repeat, repeat. They are about recovery. Your body is recovering from a major stress, in my case, from a c-section. I couldn’t move the way I wanted to. I was sore. I had just had major surgery and yet I was going through the most stressful life event I have ever experienced. It was painful, in more ways than one.

These days are also about immense love, selflessness, giving, and devotion. But this “bright side” of things is not always easily seen. While you immediately love your baby (or at least most do, although I know some don’t feel an immediate bond, and this is not abnormal) you are also immediately overwhelmed by the immense change that has just occurred in your life. While you prepare and anticipate this baby’s birth for 9 months (and usually for many months more before you’re even pregnant) you have no idea to what extent your life is about to change. And I say this as a mother who wanted a child desperately, who prepared for his arrival with the support of a caring, loving husband, and who truly thought we were fully ready and prepared for the change that was about to occur in our lives. We had no idea!

I am a woman who has, for as long as I can remember, felt that I was put on this earth to be a mom. I have always loved children. I knew I wanted to be a mom since I was 8 years old and my first “little cousin” was born and I got to spend time with her. While I love my job, and am immensely proud of my career and the work I do, I have always felt that my true calling was to be a mother.

Imagine my surprise when Ryan was born and it was hard! Really, really hard! I thought I would just fall into motherhood naturally. That it would be all “sunshine and rainbows” like many people lead you to believe. And while much of it was “natural”—I was lucky that breastfeeding went well for me (though it doesn’t for everyone), I have always felt comfortable holding babies and changing diapers, and I was able to calm Ryan without too much trouble—I was still overwhelmed. I didn’t have a minute to myself or alone with my husband. I had cherished the time that Matt and I had with each other before Ryan was born. We are a very connected couple who would rather spend time with each other than with anyone else. Suddenly all the time we had with each other was invaded by a hungry, crying, needy little person. I did not anticipate how much this would impact me.

And then, there is the emotional roller coaster a newly post partum mom is on. I have always been an emotional person. Sad movies make me cry. Emotional news stories make me cry. Thinking about the wonderful people I have in my life and how lucky I am to have them makes me cry. So, I am a crier. But I don’t cry all the time. In the days after Ryan was born I CRIED ALL THE TIME. I felt like I didn’t have control over my own person. I didn’t know what would trigger my tears; I just knew that something would trigger them. I cried at least twice every day. One day Matt and I went out to a local hotdog place. It was one of our first outings with Ryan. I stayed in the car with Ryan while Matt went in to get my Hotdog. He came out with a hotdog with mustard and ketchup. I wanted mustard and relish. This made me, you guessed it, cry. I cried over a hotdog! Fortunately I was immediately able to also laugh about it. But this just demonstrates how fragile my emotional state was.

As a Social Worker I am well educated about the “baby blues.” I know what it is, I educate women about it, I tell them what to expect. But I never thought I would experience it. I mean, after all, I was meant to be a mom! People who are meant to be mothers don’t get blue when their dream comes true. Well, I was blue. Fortunately, as a well educated mental health professional I was able to remind myself (and my worried husband) that what I was experiencing was normal. But it still shocked me, and made me feel like a bad mother.

Women don’t often openly talk about how difficult these early days of babyhood are. We are reared in a world that talks about how “amazing, wonderful, awesome, and special” this time is. We’re supposed to “cherish” and “enjoy” every moment. So, here goes, I will say it: There is not much to cherish or enjoy about the first few weeks of babyhood. As I said at the beginning, this time is about survival. It is about getting through, one day at a time. It is about leaning on the people in your life who offer help and support. It is about leaning on your spouse in a way you never have before. It is about letting him support you in any way he is willing. I am blessed to have an amazing husband. Without him, I couldn’t have done it. This time is about calling your mom and crying and crying because you know she won’t pass judgment on you no matter what. It is about reaching out to other women who will openly talk about how hard this time period is. I was lucky to have two very special cousins in my life who were willing to share their own stories of survival. This was more helpful than I could have ever imagined. They made me feel normal. They reminded me that I am indeed still a good mother. They let me know it was ok, that I would survive, that it would get better!

And it does get better! For me 3 ½ weeks was when I finally felt like myself again from an emotional and physical stand point. By 4 weeks Ryan was beginning to smile and he was starting to sleep more consistently at night. In many ways, I am lucky that I felt “better” so quickly. If you don’t feel things improving as quickly, do not despair, because it WILL GET BETTER! Your baby will smile, your baby will eventually sleep more, and consequently you too will eventually sleep more too. You will be able to get out of the house; you will have time with your husband again (if you make it a priority). You will one day feel like yourself again.

Having a baby will rock your world. It will overwhelm you. You will at times wonder if having a child was the right thing to do. You will swear that this baby is going to be an only child. But then, one day, he will smile at you. He will coo. He will indicate that he knows you’re his mommy. And then, all the pain, the tears, the life changes will be worth it. You will know that this little person has indeed changed your life in ways you couldn’t predict, but that he has also enriched it, made it more full, and given you a better understanding of the word love. You will know he is meant to be a part of your life and that you are meant to be a mom. It will continue to be hard, but it will also be amazing, wonderful, awesome, and special.

2 Months

2010-03-07T17:17:00.000-05:00

Dear Ryan,

Today at 2:38 pm you turned 2 months old. As cliche as it sounds, it is hard to believe! In some ways it feels like you were born just yesterday, and in other ways it feels like you have been a part of our lives forever. You have found your niche in our little family, and I can't imagine life without you.

You have grown in so many ways since the day you were born. Not only are you so much bigger (at the last pediatrician appointment you were in the 97% for height!) but you are also so much more active and engaging. You coo and giggle and laugh. You look directly at your Mommy and Daddy when we talk or sing. You grab for toys on your activity mat, and just earlier this week you rolled over from your belly to your back! I think it was a bit by accident, but you have repeated it a number of times and are growing more and more able to do it consistently. You also learned to yell when you want to be picked up but aren't actually that upset (you're already learning that when you make noise Mommy usually comes to get you!). You are sleeping well at night (5 hours straight, then a feeding, 3 more hours, a feeding, and then sometimes 2 more hours!) You are a joy to be around and I love you so much!

My favorite part of each day is when you fall asleep in my arms after you nurse. You just look so content, calm, and peaceful. Sometimes I let you stay there to nap on my chest (and I nap too), but other times I try to put you in your crib. So far you haven't slept in your crib for very long. You seem to like to be down where all the action is. You sleep best during the day with noises in the background. I guess that's a good thing. But whether you like it or not little guy, you will start taking naps in your crib at some point! :)

In the 2 months you have been here I have given you more nicknames than I would have thought: Bubbualou, Squirt (b/c of your tendency to "squirt" during diaper changes), Little man, Munchkin man, Buba, Boo Boo, and Peanut. I am pretty sure you're not going to know your name is actually Ryan!

Another amazing aspect of your life has been watching your Daddy take on the role of Daddy. He loves you so much and already has such a special connection with you. I always knew he would be a great Dad, but seeing it in action is more special then I anticipated. I have fallen in love with him all over again!

Speaking of love, I am so often overwhelmed by how much I love you. Sometimes just looking at you brings tears to my eyes. It is amazing that Daddy and I created you and that you are so perfect and so beautiful! I can't wait to watch you grow and develop and fill my heart with even more love.

Happy 2 month birthday baby boy!

Love,

~Mommy

The great day that turned....

2010-03-02T12:19:00.000-05:00

Monday March 1, 2010 was a great day! Ryan woke up with a smile, and was just a smiley, happy guy all morning. We played on his activity mat, danced to music, and he enjoyed some time in the swing while I stripped the bed and put in a load of laundry. He let me put him in his bouncy seat, where he sat, wide eyed and content on the bathroom floor the entire time that I showered, dressed, and did my hair and make-up.

We then headed to Target and the grocery store where he napped the entire time. We got home, and he stayed content in his car seat long enough to let me unload all the groceries and switch the laundry from the washer to the dryer and put in another load.

I was on top of the world! I was super mom! I had gotten so much done and Ryan had been happy and content the entire time. And then....

Then, I was debating whether I should feed him or change him. I knew he would be hungry as soon as he was fully awake, but he had also been sitting in that diaper for quite a while. I decided to go for the diaper change. I did my usual preparations: laid out the new diaper and Desitin (he is nursing a diaper rash that while much improved WILL NOT GO AWAY!) got a warm wash cloth (see above re: diaper rash), and then lay him on the changing table. He was still a bit sleepy. I put a wipe over his you know what, as he has previously demonstrated that he is an effective squirter and I went to town.

Then I heard it. The farts started, and then the poop began flowing. I immediately moved the wipe from its position over his penis in order to prevent the poo from getting everywhere. He then immediately began peeing. It squirted up on his face and much to my horror he began LICKING HIS FACE! At which time he began screaming, partially out of hunger I am sure, but also because, well, HE JUST DRANK PEE! At this point I was desperately wishing my husband was home to help. But he wasn't. Alas....

I put on a new diaper as quickly as possible and then just scooped him up to nurse him. He chowed down for a good ten minutes, but then, because he had been so worked up he immediately began to vomit, two rather large vomits. He probably didn't actually digest anything he had just eaten and he was now covered in three body fluids. He got his first afternoon bath, and was immediately content again, as he loves his bath! He was no worse for the wear, and I guess neither was I, I suppose.

Ahhhhh, the fabulous life of a new mom.

The Bloginning...

2010-02-27T10:15:00.000-05:00

So, I have been reading blogs for years. Mostly blogs of moms, dads, and families. Many of whom I know personally, and some I do not. I never really had a desire to start my own blog. But that all changed 7 weeks and 2 days ago.

On that day, I gave birth to my first born son, Ryan. He was born on January 7th weighing 7lbs 9 oz and measuring 21 1/2 inches long. He has entered our (my and my husband Matt's) world and enriched it, made it more challenging, more interesting (although, at times more boring), and definitely filled with more love. Since then, I have had a desire to document life. Mainly for him (and my future children), but also for me. I have tried keeping a traditional paper and pen journal, and have not stuck with it. For some reason I am hopeful that I will feel more of a responsibility to actually write something when I know other people can see it.

So, here goes....

P.S. Feel free to post a comment if you've actually read this. That way I will know people are reading and thus feel more pressure, er, I mean desire, to post.